Total pages in book: 121
Estimated words: 115308 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 577(@200wpm)___ 461(@250wpm)___ 384(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 115308 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 577(@200wpm)___ 461(@250wpm)___ 384(@300wpm)
“Look.” I handed Beth my phone, tapping the screen so she could see how many missed calls and texts there were from him.
“You should talk to him.” She pushed the phone back to me. “Call him.”
“Why? So he can give up everything he loves just so I don’t feel like shit? He would, you know. But then one day, he might wake up and realize he gave up everything for someone who didn’t deserve that kind of sacrifice.”
“Of course you do!” Jan huffed. “Nah, you can’t talk about yourself like that, My.”
Lily placed a hand on her knee to quiet her. Then she turned to me. “This is about your mum and how she made you feel?”
I shrugged, feeling the oily shame of my mum’s behavior all over again.
“Maia, you know that the people who really matter don’t believe you are your mum. And I know you’ll have very complicated feelings about her addiction and how she got sober and didn’t get in touch only to do this to you, but good people won’t judge you for that. I know I don’t. Her actions aren’t a reflection on you. They’re a reflection on her. You know that, right?”
I stared at my sweet, sweet cousin, a lump of pain constricting my throat. “That’s how you see it, Lily. But that’s not how I’ve been treated. Growing up, I was treated like scum because of my mum. I hated her and I hated myself for hating her when I know this addiction was beyond her control. But it turns out she got clean. She got clean after I was gone. What does that say about our relationship? Was I the reason for her addiction in the first place?
“And maybe I could understand her not reaching out because it might have been too much for her … but I will never understand or forgive her for vilifying me publicly. For money. We haven’t spoken in fifteen years, and she betrayed me for what? A thousand quid at most? I hate her for that. And it hurts. It really hurts. And I hate her for how people will look at me because of her. Like … I’m trash. Either because of her addiction … or because I left her behind because of her addiction. I’m trash either way.”
Beth sucked in a breath. “Please don’t call yourself that. You are not that, and who cares about people who don’t matter?”
Lily eyed me thoughtfully. “I don’t think the problem is what other people think. I think the problem is that her inability to fight her addiction to be the mother you needed has made you feel like you are less than. That you are unworthy. And then she goes and chooses money, and not very much at that, to sell you out, reinforcing those old feelings.”
My chest heaved as her words hit their target, and I buried my face in my hands to cover my shame, because I despised that she was right.
“Oh, My.” Beth pulled me into her arms, stroking my hair. “That’s not true. You have to know that’s not true.”
“Baird adores you.” Jan’s voice hitched, and I glanced over through my tears to see she was wiping her own from her cheeks. “He looks at you like you’re his whole world. Let him be here for you through this.”
“I can’t.” I shook my head, wiping at my snotty nose and cheeks as I pulled from Beth’s embrace. “I love him too much to watch him throw everything away for me.” Sucking in a huge gulp of air, I tried to take calming breaths. “I love you girls. Really. And I know you mean well, but I have to end this before he gets hurt any more than he already has been.” Determination cut through my pain. “I need to go to Pennington’s and tell them the campaign is over. I need to fix this for him.”
Jan’s face turned red with apparent frustration “You’re making a mistake.”
“When you fall in love, Jan … you’ll understand. You’ll do just about anything to protect that person. Even if it means walking away.”
Jan pushed to her feet, shoving her shoes back on. “Sorry, My. I love you, but I can’t stick around to listen to this martyr BS. And I say this with all the tough love in the world, but, girl, you should talk to someone. A therapist. Or your childhood trauma is going to fuck up the rest of your life.” She leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to the top of my head, I think to soften the blow of her words, before she strode out of my apartment.
Stunned, I gaped at Lily who sighed heavily. Is that what she thought too? Her opinion meant a lot to me, not just because she was one of the most levelheaded, kindest people I knew but because Lily was in postgrad to become a psychotherapist. “My sister can be blunt. Sorry.”