Total pages in book: 128
Estimated words: 119852 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 599(@200wpm)___ 479(@250wpm)___ 400(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 119852 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 599(@200wpm)___ 479(@250wpm)___ 400(@300wpm)
Most recently, I’ve watched him come back to life, something I thought impossible and is one hundred percent Riley’s doing. It hasn’t been an easy, nor sudden, resurrection, though. It’s been painstakingly slow, and has come with a fair amount of judgment of its own because Riley was initially Grace’s nanny and is quite young compared to Cameron. But through all of that, good and bad, I not only supported him, but I also made sure that Blue Lake was a sanctuary for him, where no one questioned him nor his decisions, at least to his face.
I deserve that type of unflinching support too. I expect it. I demand it.
Everyone’s eyes bore into me as they await my answer to Cameron’s question or some sort of explanation for this out of character behavior. And while I don’t like disappointing them and hate that they’re looking at me differently now, I’m not sure I have a reason they’ll understand.
My whole life, I’ve been on the outside of their brotherhood. Early on, I tried my damnedest to get into their clique, one I was rejected from solely because I was a girl. Later, I found a way to skirt around the outlines of their complicated connections, forging individual relationships with each brother as their own bonds faded into chaos. Now, as adults, we’ve worked our way back to being family for the most part. It’s not perfect, but just as things are improving, to the point we can talk in a group chat, have each other’s backs when crises arise, and sit down for regular dinners, here I am on the outside once again.
It's where I always am—the only girl in a family of boys, the only woman in a position of power at Blue Lake, the only one who gave a shit about all the rest of them when Dad was gone for work and Mom was busy keeping the foundation running. So this outlier position is home in a way—a place where I know how to act, how to respond, and how to address their invasion, because this is my territory. Not theirs. My life, not theirs.
“For the first time in my life, whatever the hell I want,” I answer clearly and evenly, injecting confidence I don’t feel into my voice.
“Whatever you want?” Chance says hollowly.
“For the first time?” Carter echoes, his face screwed up in confusion. “What are you talking about? You’ve always done what you want. Who would dare to stop you?”
“Someone with a death wish,” Cole murmurs.
My brothers look from one to another, outright rejecting the idea that I don’t wake up, decide to fuck things up, and go about my business with only my own voice in my head.
Do they really think I’m not as fucked up as they all are?
I’ve always been Mom’s backup, a role I didn’t necessarily want but took on naturally. Maybe I played it too well, to the point that they never considered I didn’t want to be responsible for the whole damn family?
“You think I want to worry about all of you every single day?” I demand, searching the lot of them, hoping one of them will have the sense to say no but they look like a match set of our father—chiseled jaw set hard, blue eyes somehow both empty and angry, and shoulders squared against the fight I’m putting up.
Once upon a time, with Dad at least, I would’ve silently given in, the quintessential people pleaser. Later, I learned to fake the surrender and then carry on because once his attention was off me, it would be weeks or sometimes months before he tuned in again. As I grew up, I changed. It wasn’t a quick rip of the Band-Aid, where I was suddenly strong enough to stand on my own two feet. No, I changed slowly and painfully, and it was brutally violent on my spirit, but I became a person who doesn’t want to do things ‘the right way’ according to Dad, or my brothers, or anyone else. I want to do things that feel right to me, even if no one else understands it or supports it or expects it of me.
So for the first time in my life, I stand up to my brothers in a new and sharply targeted way, calling them out in ways I never have before.
“You think I didn’t worry if you were dead in a foreign country?” I lock eyes with Cole, remembering all the years I read the morning paper, looking for a little snippet of ‘unknown body found’ and breathing a sigh of relief when he’d make a surprise appearance, only to disappear again.
“Or crashing out and taking Grace to hell with you? You think I didn’t sniff your breath every goddamn time we were together in those early days, trying to figure out if I had to carry your load, or worse, make sure that you didn’t get behind a wheel?” Cameron’s turn.