Total pages in book: 75
Estimated words: 71698 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71698 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
“I still get nervous.”
Her hands slip up my neck into my hair. She strokes through the strands, her fingertips catching my scalp. Now I totally get why cats purr and the dog presents his belly for scratching. Because I’d like to do the same.
“I never realized how safe I felt with you.” I didn’t plan those words, but they’re true, and there’s no taking them back. I can only keep going, even after Carissa’s small gasp. “Part of it is who you are professionally, but it was more than that. I noticed, but it just didn’t hit until the moment it did. I didn’t have my eyes open.”
“You had a lot going on. Have.”
“Not always.”
She stops stroking my hair and leans back on the bed, waiting for me to pivot around. I stroke the dog’s belly absently while I stare into her beautiful face. I’ve never wanted to get something right more than I want to get the next words to come out properly. While my brain is braining extra slowly because it’s morning, I’m tired, and she’s right about the overload of stuff happening in the background, she fills the quiet.
“I think timing matters.” She crosses her legs and sets her hands on top of each leg. “It might still be bad timing, but you just weren’t ready before. Neither was I. I’m still scared. My mom will tell anyone who wants to listen that in a relationship, the person who is right for you is right in every aspect. True intimacy and a safe space start with seeing someone for who they are and allowing them to be seen in return. To her, everything comes back to that concept. It sounds simple, but it’s really not.”
My grandma used to say that life always works out. You just have to look at the bad from a different angle. Even if you can’t see it coming, or can’t find it anywhere, there’s always good coming around the corner. The working out might not happen in a moment, or a day, or even a week, but if you give it time, it’ll happen.
I’m not sure I ever believed her, but it was nice having someone teach me that hope, love, and kindness are real. My grandma didn’t have the easiest life. She had her heart broken so many times, in so many different ways.
I don’t know if Carissa feels the same way about things working out as my grandma did, but I like the softness on her face. She opened up yesterday and took a massive risk. We implied it was just one time, just something we both needed in that moment, but we both know it’s far more than that.
Don’t we?
“Carissa.”
She blinks as her name falls from my lips. How is it possible to say the right thing when I don’t even know what that is? How many times have I said that the right thing doesn’t have to be without flaws, it just has to be honest? I need to follow my own advice. I need to sit here, present, and give my all like I do every time I write a song, step on stage, and perform it.
My gut still cramps. It’s natural to want to keep people relegated to a safe distance. I’ve pushed past that over the years and been burned. It should make me wary, but I would always hear my grandma’s soft voice in my head, telling me that’s no way to live life.
“I wouldn’t have kissed you if I just wanted something instant. I don’t do immediate gratification, at least not in that sense. I don’t do fun and done. I want you to know that,” I tell her earnestly.
“Okay.” Her smile starts small, but it grows. I totally understand the whole windowsill being paradise to Pumpkin when the sun is coming through it just right. Sitting here in a direct line of her smile is like being bathed in the golden glow of light.
“Okay? Just… just okay? You believe me?”
“Why wouldn’t I believe you? I trust you to know how you feel better than anyone else would, including me.”
She gives me time to sort my thoughts out. I reach over and rub the dog’s belly for some of that calming magic. I’m rewarded by his tongue lolling out again like I’ve just given him the best belly rub of his life. Me. The guy who’s never even had a pet before. “Everything’s changed. It’s been changing. The tour is over, the band is breaking up, and I have no idea what I’m going to do in the future. Fuck.” I rake my hands through my hair and swipe them over my face. “That makes it sound like you’re some kind of music rebound. But you’re not. You’re no consolation prize. Music isn’t over for me. There are a thousand different things I could do. I’m not just jumping from one thing to another because I can’t be alone with myself. I’ve learned how to do that. Be lonely. Whether I like it or not, I can be.”