Total pages in book: 75
Estimated words: 71698 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71698 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
“You’re beautiful when you’re flustered.” I suck in a breath. Why did I just say that? I’m usually quite filtered. When your words can be published the next day, everywhere, and turned into weapons or tools, you learn to choose them carefully. “You’re beautiful all the time. I’ve noticed, but I just didn’t… notice.”
Kill. Me. Now.
“I didn’t sell my soul for it. I’ve always tried to be me and remain true to who I am,” I add.
“Yeah,” she breathes, her hazel eyes sparkling, the light specks standing out from the brown like sea glass on a storm-tossed beach. “You’re not alone in a room full of people, are you? It’s a world full. Everyone knows you, but no one knows the real you at all.”
She tucks a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. Honey and caramel hair. The sunlight streaming in through the kitchen window highlights the copper in those soft-looking waves. The little silver stars in her earlobes wink when she turns her head, and that one tiny hole in her upper ear comes into view. She’s not just pretty. She’s breathtaking.
She’s strong. Not just mentally and emotionally, but physically as well. She’s wearing an oversized T-shirt tucked in at the waist, accentuating her gentle curves. Her shorts aren’t that short, and they’re not tight. I noticed earlier how toned her legs were too. The oversized T-shirt only defines her sleekly muscled arms and athletic build. I know she runs, but she must also use the gyms that we have access to on the road.
“I don’t think you’ve lost them,” she adds. We both know this week wasn’t easy. She didn’t have to be at my side to understand that. Her hand falls from hovering by her face, down to the countertop, and she smooths her fingers over the woodgrain. “They just needed a break. Maybe a full break, but they’ll come back. The band might never be a reality again, but Matt will be.”
We’re not talking about the band. We’re talking about family.
I want to believe in her wisdom more than anything. She’s watched us all from a distance, but with insider knowledge. She knows each one of us intimately.
How much does she know about me that I don’t even know about myself?
Her throat bobs when she swallows thickly. I notice the way her hand has changed position and is now grasping the island like she needs the support to keep standing.
My throat is all closed up too. When I swallow, it echoes through the kitchen. I’m used to soul-searching, to digging deep and finding the truth for songs, but what I just said is also true. There’s a point where I just have to… stop. To stop reaching down. There’s a limit. A threshold that doesn’t get crossed. It’s painful there. It’s broken. It’s a place I’ve barely traversed myself. And I can’t imagine sharing it with another person.
But here I am.
Ripping off those broken boards, tearing out rusty nails, pulling open a door with screaming hinges, and staring that part of me right in the face.
I don’t recognize the sound I make as it’s barely human.
Carissa rounds the island. She edges closer, not because she’s wary, but because she knows I need time, even if it’s just a few more seconds of solitude before I break and admit that I’ve been alone for a long time and yes, I’ve been lonely. Lonelier than anyone could ever imagine. Lonelier than I could have ever known.
“I’m just a nurse.” Her voice is soft. So soft. And there’s a slight tremble in the undertone. “My mom’s the therapist. I shouldn’t be saying things like this. It’s none of my business, but I’m also not qualified. I’m so naïve that I didn’t even realize you and Alicia weren’t actually a thing. I know you guys didn’t see each other often, and you only made a few appearances a year at stuff, but that’s what happens when both people are celebrities, sort of, and they’re busy.”
“You’ll never be just a nurse.” That’s the most important part of anything, so I get it out first. “People say I wear my heart out there for everyone to see and for everyone to own a part of and share in, but you’re all heart too. You’re smart, generous to a fault, and humble. You don’t have to be a therapist to just talk to me.”
She’s looking at me like I have every answer in the world. Like I’m the key to everything. Like I’m everything. It’s a lot of pressure to be looked at that way, but I also feel seen in a way I haven’t been since my grandma died. Even though Carissa knew it would hurt, she gave me that love in whatever measure she could. It was never unethical. She always kept a distance between us. If she hadn’t given her notice, I know she would never have allowed herself to blurt out what she did today. All those years, I couldn’t imagine what kind of torture it was for her.