Total pages in book: 153
Estimated words: 152064 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 760(@200wpm)___ 608(@250wpm)___ 507(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 152064 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 760(@200wpm)___ 608(@250wpm)___ 507(@300wpm)
I avoid answering interview questions, aware they’ll bring up my ex-wife and my relationship with Tally because they can’t fucking help themselves.
Vander Zee and Forrest-Hammer give us a post-game talk before we change and head back to the hotel. I just want to talk to my girlfriend, see how her first exam went and make sure we’re okay.
But when I finally have a chance to check my phone, the messages make my stomach sink. She almost missed her exam this morning.
Tally
Are you okay? Is the team okay? It’s only one game.
You can still be home for my showcase.
Not that this is about me.
I don’t know how to make this better. I’m so sorry about the fame.
I just miss you. It’s so hard to focus and I wish everything had gone differently after dinner at my parents’ house.
I don’t want to blow up my life in the eleventh hour.
Everything is overwhelming.
You can’t be in a relationship with someone who flunked their final semester of university.
I hate being like this.
I just want us to be on the same page, and I don’t know if we are, and I feel like I’m barely treading water.
I want to be supportive but I’m such a mess.
I just need to get through exams and then my showcase.
I just need to take something off my plate. It’s too full.
Oh my God.
This isn’t what you need right now.
Just erase these.
My stomach knots and the feeling that everything good is slipping away grows.
Flip
What do you need from me?
Tally
I don’t know.
There’s a long pause in which the dots appear and disappear several times. Please don’t break up with me.
Tally
I’m really overwhelmed. I’m trying to keep it together.
I’m putting too much pressure on you. On us.
I feel like I need to hit pause.
“Fuck.” I drop my head and breathe through the ache in my chest. I should have told her how I feel about her before I left. But I didn’t want those words to be tainted with fear and uncertainty, and that’s where we’ve been sitting for a while now. I did this to us. To her. To me. I can’t lose her but telling her now won’t be helpful. I’d only be adding another weight to carry when her focus should be on exams and making it through the end of the semester.
The only thing I can give her is the space she’s asking for. I can take myself off her plate temporarily, even though the thought alone eviscerates me. I type the message with shaking fingers.
Flip
It’s okay if you need to hit pause on us.
Tally
I don’t want to lose you, though.
Flip
I don’t want to lose you either. You are far too important, and you mean way too much for me to let you go without a fight. But forcing this won’t make anything easier. So if you need a pause to get through exams and your showcase, then I can give you that.
Tally
Just a pause, not a breakup?
Flip
Just a pause.
Tally
Just until I’m through this.
My hands shake and I can barely swallow as I type my reply.
Flip
As long as you need.
Tally
Okay. I should study. Thank you for understanding.
Flip
I’m in this with you, whatever you need.
She hearts the message and then sends me another heart, and I send her one back before I set my phone on the bed and stare up at the ceiling. I could lose her, all because I couldn’t give her the honesty she deserves.
Tristan knocks on my door and lets himself into my room. “You all right, man?”
“Tally asked me for a pause.”
He’s silent a beat. “Is that college speak for breaking up?”
“No. It’s not a breakup.” She was clear about that. “It’s a pause. She’s overwhelmed, she almost missed her exam this morning. She’s under a lot of stress and I’m adding to it. I should have fucking told her I’m in love with her before I left, but I didn’t want it to seem like I was saying it out of desperation, and things were already messy with the shit that happened at family dinner.”
“What happened at family dinner?” Tristan sits on the edge of the other bed, looking concerned.
I tell him about the sex in her childhood bedroom, minus any actual details.
“Holy fuck, dude. While Vander Zee was there?”
“No. There was a short window of time when we were alone.” I side-eye him. “Don’t get any ideas.”
“Too late for that.” He blows out a breath. “That was ballsy.”
“I know. And maybe under different circumstances it would have been fine, but what I should have done is been honest about my feelings. Instead I defaulted to sex, like a fucking idiot.”
“You’re learning that lesson a lot faster than me, so don’t be too hard on yourself.”
“Hindsight is an asshole.”
“Don’t I know it,” he sighs.
“I can’t lose her, Tristan.”
“You won’t. Write it all down, so you can give it to her when you’re off the pause. Give her space now, and when she can handle it, give her all your thoughts and feelings on paper. You can take care of her, you can buy her the world, but it’s not a replacement for telling her how you feel about her, so start now.”