Total pages in book: 121
Estimated words: 116759 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 584(@200wpm)___ 467(@250wpm)___ 389(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 116759 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 584(@200wpm)___ 467(@250wpm)___ 389(@300wpm)
Fury shot through me as I whirled on him, wrenching free of his hold to yank on my coat. “You think that makes me feel better?”
Anger tautened his features. “I’m trying to be honest with you.”
“Honest with me? You told me that if it wasn’t for your messed-up commitment issues, you would be with me.”
“It’s the truth.”
Abruptly something terrible and heartbreaking dawned on me.
Sebastian Thorne was set on punishing himself for life. “This is about Lawrence.”
His head snapped back like I’d hit him. “What?”
I ignored the warning edge in the question. “You love football, but you gave it up because Lawrence can’t play. Lawrence lost his future. You love art, so you allow just enough of it to torture yourself with but are intent on a career that won’t make you happy. And me? Do I fall into the same category? Are you giving yourself just enough of me … but refusing to give yourself all of me … as some kind of punishment for what happened to Lawrence?”
Sebastian turned chalk white and stumbled away from me. “Don’t. Don’t fucking psychoanalyze me, Lily. That’s not fair.”
It was true, then.
“Wow,” I whispered tearfully. Because in punishing himself, he was punishing me.
The debt he’d conjured in his mind toward Lawrence was more important than his feelings for me.
That’s when what wee bit of hope I’d tethered myself to over the past few months died.
“I need to get back to the flat.”
“Lily.”
I moved toward his bedroom door, feeling numb. “Happy Christmas, Sebastian.”
“No.” He yanked me back around, his strong hands gripping my arms as he pressed his forehead to mine. “I can’t lose you, Lily. That’s not a lie.”
The thing was, he was right. He hadn’t lied about our friendship. He’d made it clear from the start that it was all he’d give me. I just hadn’t understood why until now.
Could I forgive him for it? Could I forgive him for not being able to forgive himself?
My heart ached for him as much as I raged at him.
I didn’t know.
But even as heartbroken as I was, I didn’t want to hurt him like he’d hurt me. I didn’t want to leave him thinking it was hopeless.
Maybe I could find a way to recalibrate my feelings for him. If it meant some distance, that’s what it would have to mean. Sebastian would have to compromise.
I leaned up to press a sad kiss to his cheek. “We’ll talk soon. Happy Christmas,” I repeated as I drew back.
Reluctantly, Sebastian let go. His words were strained with anxiety as he replied, “Happy Christmas, Sawyer.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
LILY
It was probably a good thing we had plans to spend Christmas Eve at the Carmichaels’. My family was picking up on my vibes and pestering me with questions about why I’d come home so “glum.” I deflected. I lied. Stress, I said. My exams. It was taking me a while to decompress, that’s all.
They didn’t believe me, and Jan, in particular, looked as if she was gearing up to tie me to a chair and interrogate me.
I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s Christmas. The black cloud over my head wasn’t going anywhere, but I didn’t need to infect anyone else with its inky dreariness. Christmas Eve, I pasted a bright smile on my face and filed into the car with my family. Jan decided she wanted to be cutesy this year and had insisted she and I wear the same dress in different colors. She’d made them herself—long-sleeve, velvet skater girl dresses with oversized white collars. Mine was Christmas red and Jan’s was Christmas green. The thing that pushed our outfits over the edge into ridiculous was that she’d talked me into wearing green tights while she wore red. We looked like frickin’ elves. But I was trying to keep the peace between us, so I wore the outfit and endured the good-natured teasing from our parents and extended family.
“This is adorable,” Beth greeted me as we entered her parents’ busy kitchen. My cousin’s lips strained against laughter.
“Don’t.” I rolled my eyes before leaning in to kiss her cheek. “I’m doing a sisterly favor is all. Jan is on some weird cutesy kick this Christmas.”
“Uh, weird cutesy kick?” Jan appeared at our side. “We look fucking delightful.”
“Language!” Mum yelled across the room.
Jan’s eyes widened. “Her hearing is supernatural.”
“You do look adorable.” Beth leaned into Callan, who wrapped an arm around her waist. “But you also look like Christmas elves.”
Jan looked us up and down in consideration. “Crazy-hot Christmas elves,” she decided.
Callan and Beth grinned while I sighed in my best beleaguered big sister way.
“Anyway, I didn’t do it for me. I did it to inject some humor into Lily.” Jan patted my shoulder sympathetically. “Something happened to Lily that she won’t talk to us about. Maybe you’ll have a better chance getting it out of her so the rest of us can enjoy our Christmas.” On that, she flounced off to engage Belle in a tight hug.