Total pages in book: 101
Estimated words: 94119 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 471(@200wpm)___ 376(@250wpm)___ 314(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 94119 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 471(@200wpm)___ 376(@250wpm)___ 314(@300wpm)
“I haven’t seen it, sorry,” June said, trying for normalcy too. But I heard the worry in her voice. Worry that something was wrong with me.
There was. It was all wrong—everything was going so fucking wrong.
Ten percent suddenly felt impossible.
“June, you’re no help, girl,” Emma said, and the conversation around me faded.
I froze, trapped in the hell that was my plummeting determination.
Who was I if not a football player? I had June, I wanted June, but I needed football too. I wanted both.
“Baby?” June said, rubbing my arm. I looked to June, seeing Chris and Emma shooting concerned looks my way too. “We’re gonna take a walk. Are you coming?”
“Nah,” I said. My eyes found Banks and Williams. They were casually throwing a football back and forth. I rotated my arm and had to grit my teeth at how much it hurt.
I couldn’t throw a football at all now. I’d tried to accept it over the past few weeks, but now it was smacking me in the face. I wanted to play for the Longhorns, and I couldn’t even throw a damn ball.
“I’ll stay too,” June said.
“No!” I said a bit too forcefully.
June’s brown eyes widened in shock.
I pasted on another smile. “Go, Junebug. Take a walk. I’m…” I picked at the grass beside me. “I’m just tired.”
“Then we’ll all stay,” Chris said, nodding at me.
Suddenly, my anger fell away and all that remained was gutting desperation. “No,” I rasped. “Please, go.”
June nodded, and Emma and Chris got up and walked to the trail that would take them through the rest of Zilker Park.
June inched closer, putting her hand on my shoulder. “Jesse?”
“Please, Junebug,” I said, fighting back tears. “Just go for a walk. I’m okay.”
“No, you’re—”
“Please,” I begged.
Her hand froze on my shoulder. When it slowly slipped off, I wanted to grab my girl and crush her to me—tell her everything that happened and beg her to make me feel better. Because I was sure only she could.
But I was falling the fuck apart, and if I did, I would finally have to reveal all of me and explain, that at times, I was all kinds of fucked up.
“Call me if you need me,” June said and got up. I watched her walk, and a flicker of pride sparked in my chest for my girl when she kept her head high, even walking past people who stared at her—at the most perfect girl in the world who was fighting with all her strength just to make it to eighteen.
When June turned back and looked at me, the expression on her face cut me. I gave her a small wave, one of reassurance, but my girl wasn’t reassured about anything.
Laughter sailed from behind me and I turned to watch Banks and Williams shooting the shit, not a care in the world.
And I stayed that way, wondering what that kind of cancer-freedom would feel like. I couldn’t remember anymore.
I just watched them from my place under a copse of trees so my chemo-wrecked skin wouldn’t burn.
Bailey found me and ensured I drank the orange sludge. I didn’t even taste it as it went down.
When Chris, June, and Emma returned, I laid down and closed my eyes, feigning sleep. They had to have known it was bullshit, but they didn’t say anything.
An hour later, we loaded onto the bus. June didn’t say a word as she sat beside me and held my hand. I leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes. If June saw a tear escape and fall down my cheek, she didn’t say anything.
“We going to the rec room?” Chris asked when we got off the bus.
I shook my head and walked to my room.
“I’ll go with him,” I heard June say. Her footsteps sounded like thunder behind me. I just needed to be alone. I needed to speak to my mom and my high school coach. I needed to know what was happening.
“Jesse,” June called as I walked into my room. She slipped inside, but when I turned to her and saw her worried face, I couldn’t cope.
“I need to be alone,” I said.
June reared her head back—I’d stunned her. I never wanted time apart from her, and I didn’t now. I just didn’t want her affected by the emptiness that was trying to pull me down.
“Jesse, please,” she begged. “What did that guy say to you?”
“June,” I whispered, “please leave me alone.”
“I don’t want to,” she said boldly. “I don’t think you should be.”
“I need to be!” I said, my voice slightly raised.
This time, her mouth dropped open in shock. I felt like the world’s biggest dick. June was perfect, and I’d just shouted at her. But I couldn’t help it. I was drowning, and I didn’t want to pull her down with me.
“Just go… I’m begging you,” I said, and June’s eyes filled with tears. She waited for me to change my mind, but when I just stared at her, she nodded and slipped out of my room.