Total pages in book: 92
Estimated words: 90852 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 454(@200wpm)___ 363(@250wpm)___ 303(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 90852 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 454(@200wpm)___ 363(@250wpm)___ 303(@300wpm)
An odd smile spread across my face. “And. . .umm. . .I would smell my shirt at school and grin. It was like a protective cloak that I believed would shield me from all the darkness outside.”
I nodded to myself. “That was the cologne he wore to church too.”
Lei raised his eyebrows. “And the other cologne?”
“It stung my nose.” Thinking about it, I hugged myself. “It had this. . .musky undertone. There was a bitterness to it, like. . .unripe fruit left out too long, mixed with strong spices.”
As I spoke of that foul scent, it began to materialize around me, curling through the air in front of my face like a dark fog.
Stop it. Don’t do that again. It’s not real. Remember. The smell isn’t here.
Still, the scent clung to my senses, settled in my throat, and made my stomach churn.
“My father would wear that cologne when he would disappear for hours.” I shook my head. “As a little kid, I never understood what was going on. Mom would be upset. . .worried. . .especially on the nights when he wouldn’t even come back home for a few days. I had no idea it was all about gambling and women. My family. . .we didn’t talk. Mom stayed silent. Dad did too. And. . .the silence passed down to us. My sisters and me. . .we didn’t ask questions. We all just sat in silence over this—Dad, Mom, my sisters, and me. Unbearable silence.”
That damn smell wrapped itself around my head and seeped into my nostrils, suffocating and relentless.
“Then, Mom got pregnant with my youngest sister, TT and. . .Dad didn’t use that cologne anymore. He was back to only going to work and church. Then, he wore the good cologne.” I gave Lei a sad smile. “I grew up and went to college. All was well until. . .Mom got cancer.”
This deep sadness rose within my chest.
Fuck. Why am I starting here? Why did I even begin talking about fucking cologne?
I sat there stunned, unsure of where I was going with this.
Lei placed his big hand on mine. “What happened then?”
“Jo called me to come home because she thought Dad wasn’t doing a good enough job of helping Mom out.” I stopped hugging myself and grabbed Lei’s hand, gripping it tighter. “I returned home, figuring I would only be there for a month or two. . .you know. . .take a semester off, but. . .”
Duck, Hu, and Chen watched me like I was a television.
“What?” Lei asked.
“Dad started spraying that fucking cologne again—the evil one.” I turned my view to the window and watched the streets of the East roll by. “We would have a nice dinner that I cooked, laughing and talking as a family at the table and then once we were done. . .Dad would go take a damn shower, put on nice clothes, and spray that disgusting cologne all over himself, ruining everything. . .not letting us be great. . .be beautiful.”
Pain gripped my heart, bringing back all the heartache that I’d tried to shove away for so long.
Fuck.
My gaze trailed over the intricate shades of blue that adorned every corner. Banners and flags fluttered in the breeze, bearing symbols and characters.
Lanterns in vibrant shades of indigo hung from doorways and balconies.
The faint scent of incense wafted in through the slightly cracked window, but I still couldn’t get the stank of my father’s evil cologne away from me.
“Eventually, it started to be every Friday night. He would spray that cologne and rush off to the casino with his new woman. . .to only return exhausted and broke on Sunday night. I didn’t say anything to Mom. . .what would I say. . .a daughter to a grown woman. . .a whole ass wife. . .” I tightened my hold on Lei’s hand. “But, every time, he left. . .that nasty cologne smell. . .it would linger in the apartment. And no amount of scrubbing or airing it out could get rid of the smell.”
I continued to gaze out the window, unable to face Lei and everyone else.
Everywhere I looked on the outside, there were splashes of blue—the deep, royal blue to the soft, sky blue.
“So it began. . .my father’s ritual and mine. He would leave out on Friday stinking up the apartment. Then, every Saturday morning, I would grab the mop and bucket and spend the day trying to wash that stench out.” I gritted my teeth. “I would open the window, but nothing worked.”
As the SUV navigated the bustling streets, we passed shrines nestled by storefronts, in corners, and near temples.
“Then Dad just. . .never returned.” I shrugged and turned back to Lei. “He just said fuck it. No discussion with Mom. No goodbye to us. Just left that fucking shitty ass cologne on the bathroom shelf as if that would take care of us.”