Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 77936 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 390(@200wpm)___ 312(@250wpm)___ 260(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 77936 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 390(@200wpm)___ 312(@250wpm)___ 260(@300wpm)
“So do you.” He dropped to crouch in front of me. “I know coming out sounds scary, but more and more people are doing it now. And you’d have me. We’d be together.”
“I know.” Together sounded so perfect, everything I wanted and couldn’t have. And it wasn’t about coming out. If I thought Maverick would stay, I’d claim him in a heartbeat, consequences be damned. “I can’t leave. My whole life’s here.”
“Your mom has her sisters.” Maverick pursed his full lips. Leave it to the kid with barely any family to undervalue what mine meant to me. “Your siblings are getting older. They’d be okay.”
“Okay isn’t good enough.” I made a frustrated noise. I didn’t want to lose my patience with Maverick on a night when he was so clearly hurting, but this plan of his sliced me open, laid bare all the reasons we’d never have a future. “When my dad was shot at the convenience store robbery and in the hospital in Durango, they told Mom to send for me because he wasn’t gonna make it.” My voice broke, but I pressed onward. “I promised him that day that I’d take care of the family. Do right by them. Leaving isn’t it.”
“So you’d turn down happiness for yourself because of a promise you made when you were, like, twelve?” Pacing in front of the fire, Maverick sounded as frustrated as I felt.
“Promises matter, Mav. You know that.”
“Fuck promises. Honor. Duty. All a lot of words for putting everyone else first.” Now, Maverick’s voice was the one to break, a high waver. Few had ever put him first. Lord knew I’d tried, but friendship only carried us so far and couldn’t begin to make up for his father’s skewed priorities.
“Someday, you’re gonna find the person who can put you first.” I swallowed hard, knowing full well it wouldn’t be me. “That’s a promise. You deserve that too.”
“It could be you, but you’re too stubborn to see it.” Maverick spat, lashing out like a bronco’s first time in the saddle, all fight, no regard for who he might hurt. “I’ve seen what duty does. Turns a man bitter and mean. That what you want? Turn out like my dad? No joy, just another set of obligations and responsibilities?”
“Don’t compare me to your dad,” I shot back. That low blow hit me in the soft part of my chest, where I carried my feelings for Maverick. I hated his father, and I didn’t hate many. Worse, that hate didn’t change a darn thing any more than those soft feelings did. “That ain’t fair.”
“If the boot fits.” He kicked at the dirt.
“You’ve got big dreams, Mav. I want you to chase them. I want to see your dreams come true, even if I can’t be in them. That’s what makes me different from him.” I had to believe that. I couldn’t let him lump me and his father in together. I loved Maverick. That had to count for something, even if that love meant letting him go.
“But I want you in them.” He turned away, facing the fire as he swiped at his face. “I hate this choice. Stay and suffocate. Go and die from missing you.”
“It’s not a choice. You know you have to go.” I hardened my voice for the hardest sentence of my life. “I want you to go.”
“You don’t want me to stay?” He whirled back around to regard me through damp, angry eyes.
“Nope,” I lied, pretty proud of how convincing I sounded. “You miserable doesn’t do anyone any good. You’re meant for something different.” Someone different, but I couldn’t bring myself to add that. I wasn’t going to ask my best friend to shackle himself to a life that was sucking his joy, his spirit, the heart of what made him Maverick. He could be deeply caring, not to mention inventive, creative, charming. All qualities that went out the window in his ongoing battle with his father. I didn’t like who Maverick would turn into if he stayed. His father didn’t have a monopoly on bitterness. “Maybe you’ll come back and tell me all about it.”
This was a hope I clung to, that I’d see Maverick during breaks and holidays, maybe feel a spark of what we had together, have a slow goodbye until he found that someone he was meant for more than me. And even then, I could see him every so often and smile, knowing I’d done the right thing.
“Doubt I visit.” Maverick stomped that hope right into the ground, crushed it under his boot heel. “No reason.”
“Well, okay then.” I finally stood as well, staring him down, glad to know where we stood.
“I didn’t mean…” Trailing off, Maverick shifted his gaze to the fire. “It’ll hurt too much. Seeing you here, whether you’re miserable or happy, gonna cut all the same.”