Total pages in book: 133
Estimated words: 124341 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 622(@200wpm)___ 497(@250wpm)___ 414(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 124341 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 622(@200wpm)___ 497(@250wpm)___ 414(@300wpm)
He picked up the bag and set it on the bed and then put the toothbrush and razor he’d carried from the bathroom into a side pocket.
The door behind him opened and then shut. He didn’t turn.
“Sam? What are you doing?”
“Packing.”
She came up beside him and placed her fingers on the side of his jaw, turning his face to hers. Her gaze went to the red spot on his forehead where he’d banged it against the wall. There was so much concern in her eyes. Fear. “Why, Sam?”
He turned back to the bag and zipped it closed. “I’m only risking your safety being here.”
“I’ll take that risk, Sam, in order to stand beside you.”
“That’s ridiculous. There’s no reason to take any risk for me.”
Her hand dropped, and she opened her mouth to speak, but he interrupted her.
“There’s no place for me here, Autumn. I’m not like Jak. Jak isn’t a freak of nature. Jak can blend in. Jak isn’t reminded every time he looks in the mirror who he is.”
“Who he is?” she asked. “Who are you, Sam? Who do you think you are?”
I’m nobody. I’m a monster. I don’t know. I don’t know. “I’m a murderer, that’s who I am,” he said. It was one thing he knew for sure and something she couldn’t deny. And Autumn, beautiful, precious, miraculous Autumn, deserved better than that.
“You’re not. You’re a savior. You saved me, and you saved that helpless little girl.”
“I didn’t save her. She died.” The picture of her frail, sore-ridden body filled his mind, and a red cloud of rage blossomed in his brain. He’d just gotten control of the monster within, and now it was back, and he didn’t want that. Autumn didn’t understand the world. She didn’t know how ugly and brutal it was. She didn’t see him for who he really was because she insisted on viewing him and the world through rose colored glasses. “That girl died because the very people who were supposed to protect her with their lives left her to die a horrible, miserable death. They let her suffer, Autumn. They were her family, and they let her suffer. They must have heard her, calling for help. And they didn’t answer.”
He’d expected her to look taken aback by his harsh words, but she didn’t. She took a step closer, her eyes so soft he wanted to fall into them. He turned away but felt her hand on his arm. “Did you feel that way too, Sam? All those surgeries, all that pain, did you call for someone who never came? I did.”
He attempted a laugh, but it came out half growl, half some sound he couldn’t describe. “But no one did, did they?” He turned to her, meeting her eyes. Those eyes, those eyes. “You might as well have called into a void,” he told her. It was cruel, yet it was true.
“I wasn’t calling into a void,” she said evenly. “Because you answered. You came. You rescued me just like you rescued that little girl.”
“She’s dead.”
“There’s nothing you could have done about that. I think she waited for you, Sam. She waited until she wasn’t alone. Because of you, she didn’t die in a back room, alone.”
Autumn, Autumn, Autumn. He wanted to wail her name, collapse in her arms, take from her until she had no more left to give. He hated himself for it. “You have a way with words. Only words are meaningless in a world like the one we live in.” He pulled in a breath. “Maybe I saved that little girl or tried anyway. But I didn’t always save. Mostly I didn’t. If you…” He released a ragged breath. His lungs felt so damn tight. “If you knew all of what I did, if you pictured it, you’d feel differently about me.”
“No, I wouldn’t. I’m sorry I ever gave you that impression. I’m sorry I was ever stupidly scared, even for an instant. I failed you. I was a hypocrite because I was the one who told you truth mattered above all else and then I was afraid to hear yours.”
He almost let out a disbelieving laugh. She was apologizing to him? Did she even hear what he was telling her? He was describing all the ways in which he was monstrous.
“I want you to feel safe with me, Sam, even your darkest parts. Because I want to share your burden.” She put her hand on his arm, her touch gentle, loving, just like her, and it almost killed him. It almost stole his resolve. “Because I realize now that there’s nothing you could do of your own free will that would make me turn away.”
She was wrong though. She had no idea. Some truths were simply too terrible to carry, and he wouldn’t ask her to. He wouldn’t. He steeled himself. He knew how. He’d forced himself to do things he hadn’t wanted to do for all his existence. He shook her hand away. “What does free will mean when it comes to taking a life? The things I did, I knew they were wrong. I knew.” He’d completed many “successful” missions. He’d killed, in ways both bloody and not. He’d looked in men’s eyes and seen their life drain away. He’d been the assassin, maybe even killing men like Adam. Decent men who had families and apple farms and generosity in their hearts. Either way, innocent or corrupt, those faces lived inside his head along with the images of violence. They’d never leave, not as long as he lived. No wonder the program directed them to kill themselves. It was best really, for everyone, especially for them. A small, surprising mercy. There was no life after what they’d become.