Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 93785 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 469(@200wpm)___ 375(@250wpm)___ 313(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 93785 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 469(@200wpm)___ 375(@250wpm)___ 313(@300wpm)
The thing has been kept in a barn for years. It’s covered in mildew. Pieces are broken off it. If it’s so loved, why is it in such sad shape?
I start to work on the orange can. “Won’t you just be helping them clear out your shit and turn it into cash for them?”
“No.” She cackles and it’s clear that once upon a time, Pearl was a smoker. “Me and Jeretta, she’s an old hag that I met playing Bunco a few years back, we’re taking one of those SKI holidays.”
She’s going skiing? “Pearl, I didn’t have you pegged to be such an outdoorswoman.” Especially at your age. Don’t you risk breaking a hip?
“Not skiing. A SKI holiday. Spending kids’ inheritance holiday.”
“Oh,” I say, laughing so hard I snort.
“They’re ungrateful—and mean. These kids are downright hateful. They steal from me. They tried to sell my house out from under me. Got me to sign some papers while I was in the hospital and didn’t know what I was doing.”
I frown. “I’m sorry they’re nasty.”
“Me, too. But I’ll get the last laugh because there’ll be nothing left, which is why Jeretta and I want to go on a cruise. We want to do one of those adults-only trips so we don’t have to listen to crying babies. And who knows? Maybe we’ll get lucky and find some nice old fellers with working peckers, if you know what I mean.”
“Oh, my gosh,” I say, laughing. “But, yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes a girl needs a good working pecker.”
Boy, do I know all about that.
I slip the orange can beneath the skillet and then begin on the green one.
Drake and I had lunch together every day this week. A couple of the days, we ran to Stupey’s because it’s so close, and the others we had food delivered to the office and ate in the break room. We learned from Scott in IT that there’s an office pool going around about how long we’ll stay together. The closest person to the right date wins two hundred bucks.
Our experiment has brought a new levity to the office, and it’s been fun joking around with everyone, but it’s been even more fun hanging out with Drake. I feel like I’ve gained a new friend, and my life is better for it.
When I date a guy, it’s usually good for a while. It always feels performative, though, like I’m playing a role until the show stops. The funny thing about that is, with Drake, I am playing a role. I’m pretending to be his girlfriend. Yet this is the only role I’ve ever played that feels … natural. And I’m thoroughly enjoying myself. How ironic.
“You know what, Pearl?” I ask, squashing the split green can with a dutch oven. Then I grab the red one.
“What?”
I grin, removing the top of the can. “I can’t help but love a lot about this conversation. First, the pettiness of not wanting your kids to have your stuff is something I can get behind. Second, the fact that you love a coat tree this much is commendable. And third, I fully support Operation Working Pecker. I’m on a similar hunt myself.”
“What are you talking about? You sound young. Pretty. Sharp as a tack. A little sarcastic at times, but you’re good for a laugh. You can’t tell me you can’t find a man out there. I just don’t believe it.”
“Funny story, Pearl. I have a man. Kind of.” I furrow my brow as I cut down the side of the can. “And I’m not bragging or anything, but I’m not a troll to look at. Some would consider me a catch.”
“Damn right that you’re a catch, and don’t you let a man tell you any different.”
It’s obvious she doesn’t know me. I laugh. “Trust me. That’s not a problem.”
“Good for you. So what is the problem?”
“The problem is that this guy I’m dating refuses to have sex with me. I know he wants me. He admits it. I’d know he’s lying if he didn’t. But he won’t do it.”
“Huh.” She pauses. “Is he religious?”
“I actually don’t know.”
She scoffs. “Well, even if he was, most of them still get down with it these days. What’s his problem?”
I can’t believe I’m talking about my sex life with the coat tree extortionist. Then it hits me, and I gasp.
I’m getting Gianna’d by Pearl.
What has happened to me?
My process has gotten faster, and I make quick work of the last can. Then I remove my gloves and carefully check on the first two. They could be flatter, but this is just a test round to see if my idea works. So I grab the marker and begin drawing a large butterfly on each one.
“We’ve only been dating for a week,” I say, leaning all the way into this conversation. I’m in too deep to back out now. “But we were friends before. There’s always been some flirtation between us, so I never dreamed he’d hold out on me.”