Total pages in book: 136
Estimated words: 125037 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 625(@200wpm)___ 500(@250wpm)___ 417(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 125037 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 625(@200wpm)___ 500(@250wpm)___ 417(@300wpm)
“Do you hear yourself?” Rubin glared at him. “You’re practically quoting Whitney. And our mother. Everything bad that happens is your fault. You brought in more meat than I did, more food, and half the time, when we were all starving, she threw it out because she was certain you’d used magical means. The devil had helped you. She would let the girls starve before she’d feed them the meat, and then she’d send you out again in the middle of a blizzard.”
Diego sent him a faint grin. “We started outsmarting her by telling her you brought the meat. Of course, I got the hell beat out of me for being lazy and not helping out, but the girls had food.”
“Yeah, we outsmarted her, but she set you up to believe you weren’t worth anything. You have to realize it all stems from her. From the shit childhood you had.”
“You had the same shit childhood,” Diego pointed out.
“You persist in believing I’m perfectly fine. You’ve seen me when I can’t contain my temper. The rage I have inside me that I keep locked down tight because it’s like a nuclear bomb going off when it escapes. I rely on you. Just as you rely on me. It’s always been the two of us, Diego. It doesn’t matter if I have Jonquille and you have Leila, it’s still the two of us.”
It was true that Diego thought of Rubin as perfect. Rubin had stepped in hundreds of times to shield him from their mother’s wrath. He was the white knight. The true hero. Diego would do anything to protect him and keep him safe. He had devoted his life to that end.
But it made sense that Rubin would have just as many issues stemming from their traumatic childhood as Diego did. It wasn’t just the mental illness of their mother; it was the loss of every sibling, as well as their parents, most of them in violent circumstances.
“We both have triggers, Diego,” Rubin said. “We need to identify those triggers and learn to cope with them.”
“Sounds easy enough, but it isn’t,” Diego said. “Can’t take religious talk. It isn’t that I’m not a believer, but it seems to me so many religions are twisted from what they should be. They’re means of power and judging others. I have to walk out when people get talking religion.”
“What about Leila? Have you discussed that with her? If she’s very religious, that could be a problem.”
Diego hadn’t considered that Leila would be all about a particular belief. It was something he did need to talk to her about. He couldn’t imagine that she was a fanatic, but it was always possible. That was a hard no for him. It always would be. No child of his would ever be raised to believe he wasn’t good enough or had a devil in him.
“I haven’t,” he admitted. “I’ll do that. You’re right. Total trigger for me. Tends to make me feel murderous before depression sets in.”
“Acupuncture can be a good treatment,” Rubin said. “In lieu of medication, that might be a help.”
Diego hadn’t considered acupuncture, but it was a far more appealing treatment to him than a pharmaceutical. He wouldn’t mind trying it. More than anything, he wanted to be a good partner for Leila and a reliable, worthy father. He knew a part of him would be overprotective, but he was also aware he felt things deeply. He would feel love for his children and want to find the best ways to instill confidence and a code of honor. Looking to his brother was one of those ways. He was willing to learn from the best, and Rubin, to him, was the best.
“We can fight this together, Diego,” Rubin said. “Establish every trigger you have and find a way to cope with it. I’ll be doing the same thing for me.”
That was Rubin, making certain Diego didn’t feel alone. He’d been looking out for Diego all his life, just as Diego looked after him. What had he been thinking? He hadn’t been. He’d been in such a dark place, certain there was no more use for him. And he had to be useful. That was important.
“I have to be looking after someone, Rubin. That’s part of my identity. I need to know that what I do is important and could save lives.”
Rubin nodded. “I can see that. Again, she programmed you to believe your only reason for being born was to protect me. That’s probably set in stone with you.”
There was no “probably” about it. If Diego was anywhere near Rubin, he would step in front of him every time. He would do the same with Leila and Grace. He felt the same about the men he served with and called brothers. And there was Ezekiel, Mordichai and Malichai. And Luther. When he broke it down, he realized just how lucky he was. Many people didn’t have the relationships that he did.