Total pages in book: 105
Estimated words: 101168 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 506(@200wpm)___ 405(@250wpm)___ 337(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 101168 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 506(@200wpm)___ 405(@250wpm)___ 337(@300wpm)
They could imagine their mother and Emma, picking out fabric for the dress they secretly wanted to see Jamie in. Discussing what silhouette would flatter Jamie in the way they hoped. Jamie felt like they’d swallowed a snake. It writhed in their guts and tried to slither up their throat until they couldn’t speak.
“Come on,” Emma said. “It’s not a big deal. It’s just to have the option.”
How old would Jamie have to get before their family saw them as themself rather than the frustration of what they’d hoped for?
How much would they need to achieve before their family valued their dreams and goals?
And the question that really made the snake writhe: Did Jamie care? Was maintaining a relationship with their family worth the disrespect they would have to tolerate?
As Jamie contemplated this, Emma went on, defending their mother like she always did and finally lathering herself into, “Besides, it’s not even about you. It’s my wedding.”
“Emma,” Jamie said, exhausted. “You get that I’m nonbinary, right? And you get that asking me to wear a dress when I’m not a woman feels really bad to me, right?”
“I’ve been a really good sport about all that stuff,” Emma hissed, leaving Jamie wondering how she could possibly have gotten that impression. “So yeah, I thought maybe you could just give me a break for this one day so I can have my wedding the way I want it. But I guess that’s too much to ask.”
Once, tears would have pricked Jamie’s eyes, but now the ball of betrayal, disappointment, and shame rolled down their throat and settled in their gut. Emma had never accepted them. She’d just been playing along until the moment it inconvenienced her too much, and now she wanted them to tuck themself away.
“It is too much to ask,” Jamie told her. They let Emma hear their sadness. “Going against the deepest parts of yourself. It’s far, far too much to ask of anyone.”
Emma gaped. Jamie realized that if this was the way they left it, this could be the last time they ever saw Emma. Her in her wedding dress, midafternoon, standing in front of the sign that said Brides. The ball of emotion threatened to come back up.
“You look really beautiful in that dress,” Jamie said. They just had time to see Emma’s expression soften to confusion before they walked away.
***
Later that evening, Jamie knocked on Edgar’s door, desperate to lose themself in Edgar’s sweet embrace. Part of them had thought that Emma would text or call to apologize, so they kept their phone on vibrate in their pocket all afternoon at work.
She hadn’t.
Edgar answered the door smiling shyly. He’d styled his hair the way Jamie had at the store. Jamie touched it gently as they stepped inside.
Edgar’s smile disappeared.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, cupping Jamie’s shoulders.
“It looks really good,” Jamie said.
“Jamie.”
Their throat ached with the threat of tears.
“Bad day,” they choked out before they found themself enveloped in the warmest, most comforting hug of their life. Enfolded, enveloped, they slumped a little and let Edgar take their weight.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Edgar asked, stroking their hair.
Jamie sighed and let Edgar ferry them to the couch.
They told him about the bridal shop and Emma and their mother’s plan. Edgar’s fists were clenched the whole time Jamie was talking.
“I wish…” Jamie said, then shook their head.
Winners don’t wish; they work! Their mother’s phrase popped up uninvited in Jamie’s mind.
“Wish what?” Edgar asked.
Jamie lifted his fist to their lips and kissed it. Edgar unclenched his fingers.
“I wish I had a sister like yours,” Jamie said. “A partner in crime. Like it was Emma and me as a team calling each other to talk about whatever irritating shit our parents did. Instead of it feeling like the three of them are a team and I didn’t get picked.”
“I hate thinking of you being left out of your own family like that,” Edgar said.
“I don’t get why they act like they want me to be so involved in this wedding stuff, but they don’t want my real opinion. So why ask me?”
Of course, that probably wouldn’t be an issue after today.
Edgar murmured soothing sounds, but Jamie didn’t want to think about this anymore. All they wanted was to be taken out of themself.
Jamie wrapped their arms around his neck, kissing him hungrily. Edgar smelled so good, and his arms were strong, and his chest was warm, and Jamie just wanted to feel loved instead of judged or manipulated.
Jamie kissed Edgar’s throat, loving the way Edgar pressed into them. They sucked on his skin until Edgar gasped and his knees shook. He clutched at Jamie’s shoulders to stay upright.
“I want you,” Edgar said, eyes begging.
“Yes, whatever you want. Tell me.”
Jamie’s heart was pounding with the desire to take Edgar apart with pleasure. To control this man whose whole life felt out of control. To keep him safe.