Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 82201 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82201 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Every fucking time I saw him holding back, it hurt more than I could describe. I needed his fucking anger.
I didn’t know how else to get through this.
“As for money, I’m good,” he said. “I have enough for a down payment in the future. And I have collateral. I have my business. I have inventory. You need the sale of the house. Besides, you’ve been paying more in our day-to-day life than I have.”
I didn’t respond, because it felt bizarre to discuss our assets already. I didn’t care enough.
“I gotta take a leak,” he muttered and left the table.
He walked out so abruptly that I wasn’t sure he actually had to go to the bathroom.
That was part of it, wasn’t it? We’d now reached the stage where we didn’t wanna show each other what fucking wrecks we were.
My eyes welled up again, and I distracted myself by checking my phone. More accurately, my Mclean messages. I wanted to know if Nat could cover for me next week. I couldn’t imagine myself hosting bondage sessions in the foreseeable future, much less on Wednesday.
Given that both Hallie and Dylan were at a sensitive stage in life, I was already planning on taking a break from everything. I wanted to speak to my kids’ teachers, not think about jute and hemp. I wanted to close myself in, not be social.
Nat hadn’t responded yet, so I clicked on Ash’s profile instead. I just wanted to see the smile in his phot—
User not found.
A breath gusted out of me.
I only let myself melt down when I’m alone. Usually in the shower where evidence runs down the drain. Except, the shower is packed with memories of us reconnecting, so it makes everything worse.
I sob pathetically into my hands while clinging to simpler times. Moments where “How was your day?” and “Did the meeting go well?” mingled with soft kisses and wandering hands. I always needed at least one of your hums of approval at my fingers in your hair. You loved that. And I loved that sound you made. Pure, relaxed pleasure.
All I feel now is pain. Sharp, crippling pain.
Who am I without you?
CHAPTER 10
Twelve months ago
Alexandria
Ash Riley
Sixteen minutes, and then I could breathe again.
Daddy had given himself a raise, so I wanted to get a head start on picking the best gift for Hallie’s birthday. Which wasn’t for another two weeks, but whatever. It wasn’t like I had a life anymore. Besides, it wasn’t every day you became a teenager.
Someone knocked on the door to my office, and Theo soon poked his head in.
“What’s up?” I asked.
He glanced at the absolute mess I was surrounded by. But unlike him, office work was a necessary evil that I avoided as much as possible. I was in the office two days a week. I belonged on the sides of buildings.
“I bet I can find files in here that are older than your children,” he told me.
“I’m sure.” I shrugged and scratched my nose.
He nodded at my desk, which was definitely buried underneath a bunch of shit. “Did you go through the résumés?”
Oh yeah, I had them here somewhere. I dug for the stack under a pile of magazines and orders— “Here. I sorted them by which ones I liked the most.”
He came over and grabbed the stack from me. “James Hackett,” he read aloud.
Yup, yup. Thirty-eight years old, with fifteen years of experience in construction and scaffolding. Theo was expanding the former, which was why we needed to hire at least three new guys.
“If we’re low on construction gigs, I can always use an extra guy on my crew,” I said.
“All right, I’ll make some calls,” Theo said. “When are you off?”
I checked my watch. “In fourteen minutes.”
An extra minute to get out of the building and lay eyes on my girl again.
Nathan had promised he’d drop her off on time.
My brother tilted his head at me. “What’s on the forget-about-reality agenda today?”
I wasn’t forgetting anything. This was my new reality.
“Video games with Hallie,” I replied. “Probably pizza first.”
I had three good hours almost every day after work when I spent time with one of the kids.
It was the next step in this excruciating transition, to get the kids used to spending more time with us one-on-one. Food, homework, hanging out, then back to the house—in that order. I’d be there for the bedtime routine, read a story or two to Lily, and then I left to return to a studio apartment I hated.
I died there every night.
We shared a pizza on the way to the apartment, and then Hallie finished her homework while I prepared our video game date. The coffee table she’d picked out was my kitchen table, my nightstand, occasionally my desk, and my hallway dumping site.
I’d had a choice when I’d found the place. Use up the space for a comfy bed and a small-ass couch—and never have the kids over. Or turn the single area into a living room. It’d been a no-brainer. The big sectional was also a pullout bed, so if sleepovers happened in the future, I was ready.