Total pages in book: 159
Estimated words: 149301 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 747(@200wpm)___ 597(@250wpm)___ 498(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 149301 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 747(@200wpm)___ 597(@250wpm)___ 498(@300wpm)
My pain has reached into the womb of Lilith, and brought forth an Eve. My pain looked pretty, because it morphed into sticky, stankin’, stark naked hatred, dressed up in bloody bits of love, and a string of pearls to cover the truth. White dresses covered in the afterbirth of an unwanted child, and worn on Easter Sunday for church, too. Hot sweat dripping down filthy white faces in the church, singing about heaven while we roll around in the grime of hell on Earth. Our bodies covered in bruises. Our stomachs empty. I went through all of that, so I could stand the rain. The storms of life.
The Good Book saved me. It was the map to a new salvation. My pain was too costly. I never allowed myself to truly feel it because if I did, I’d go insane. So, I read my scripture. I studied business.
I watched the big Texas tycoons make moves. I worked my way to the top, proving myself. I got in the right circles, showed that I can get what I need, by any means necessary because I wasn’t scared of a gotdamn thing. I asked for forgiveness at night, but reminded God that he should have mercy on me since he allowed me to go through so much as a child. Give me grace, oh, Lord. Give me grace. And I heard God tell me that I was special. That I was chosen. God told me the things my father should’ve, but never did. But that was okay. I found the Alpha and Omega. I was figuring things out. I was making a name for myself. Then, one day, I met a woman…
And she was love.
She murdered my natural instinct to strike and devour. She was the ‘L’, the ‘O’, the ‘V’, and the ‘E’. And then, she left me…
And I became the motherfucker that I am today. She ran away and took my peace. She took the babies that she promised me she’d give birth to. She took the future I promised her. She took my hopes and dreams, balled them up, and set them on fire. She took the only thing I ever had in my life that was pure and good, and hid it from me: herself. She took my motivation to at least try and be somethin’ better than I was the day before.
She said I did a poor job, that I failed. That I was a bad seed, and my branches were rotten and truncated because I refused to grow. She said she’d done all she could for me, and she was done trying to love me away from my own pain. Pain that I refused to part from. She spoke in tongues, potions and root work. She said she couldn’t break no curse on me, because I didn’t believe in magic. I don’t believe in magic, but I believed in HER. I didn’t believe her threat, but she meant every word.
She closed the curtains on me, in the cruelest of ways. I was left in darkness. Like the first day in Genesis. She was pure light, and then she blinked, and was gone. No man. No woman. No trees. No sun. No moon. Just me, alone, holding onto the cold grip of death. That was the first and only time in my life when I contemplated suicide. Once I realized she wasn’t coming back, and I couldn’t find her to make it all right, I took my favorite gun, and raised it to my temple. I pulled the trigger, but the damn thing jammed… I will go to my grave never telling a soul any of this. That’s weakness. That’s sickness. That’s disaster and frailty. God saved my life.
When I became a wealthy man, I thanked God for the blessings, and we made a deal. A pact. It’s in the blood. The blood that’s on the white dress and the crucifix. The blood that dripped from my lip when my papa punched me in the face for stealing candy from the little store down the road. The blood that stained my fingers and caked under my nails when I stabbed, strangled and ultimately killed the harsh voices around me… Tina made that fade away. It went away. All that resentment, hatred and pain. The day she left, it all came back though, and I went a little crazy.
“I tried to make every woman after her be her. They didn’t have to look like her. Tina was a movement—her beauty went beyond her face. It was in the way she walked, spoke, and moved. It was the way her mind and heart worked. That’s all I needed. Look how you want, but BE my Tina. They could never fill her shoes though. They failed. I made them suffer for their shortcomings. I didn’t beat them with my hands, like my daddy did my mother. No, no. God looks down on that. I used my words. My attitude. My resources.