Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 96046 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 480(@200wpm)___ 384(@250wpm)___ 320(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 96046 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 480(@200wpm)___ 384(@250wpm)___ 320(@300wpm)
As I looked at myself in the beautiful white dress, I imagined walking down the aisle, but all I could see at the far end waiting for me was Dorian. His beautiful face smiling back at me, tears in his eyes as I made my way toward him. That was my dream. As a tear rolled down my cheek, I doubted more than ever whether going through with the wedding was right. I couldn’t continue to pretend I was happy. I wasn’t.
It suddenly felt like the dress was squeezing me—choking me. I needed it off.
I turned to the attendant. “Can I get out of this?”
She rushed toward me. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes. I’m just having a…hot flash or something and don’t want to ruin the dress.”
“Of course.”
I escaped into the dressing room and slipped out of the gown, eventually handing it to the attendant to hang. I looked at my red, blotchy face in the mirror and knew I’d reached my breaking point.
“Are you okay in there?” Lucy’s voice came through the door.
I wiped my eyes. “I’m fine! I’ll be right out.”
I managed to pull myself together before returning to Lucy. Thankfully, she didn’t pry, though she had to know something was off with me.
As I drove home, I felt horribly conflicted, dreading what needed to be done, but unable to ignore it anymore. I stopped at the one place I knew might give me peace and clarity before facing Casey.
It was a cloudy day, perfect for a trip to the cemetery where my mother was buried. I knew exactly how to get to her plot from the entrance, never needing a map. I was grateful to be back in Ohio so I could visit her again.
I knelt by Mom’s gravestone. “Boy, Mama, I could sure use your advice right now.” I looked up at the sky. “I wonder if you’d be disappointed in me. As you probably know, I have a wonderful man who loves me and our child—your sweet granddaughter. And I’m seriously considering throwing it all away. I don’t want Rosie to have a broken family like I did. She deserves better. But doesn’t she also deserve a mother who’s true to herself?”
I brushed my fingers along the top of the headstone. “I’ve been lying to myself. I feel safe but not fulfilled. I’m struggling to accept the fact that my happiness should ever be more important than Rosie’s. Wouldn’t that be selfish? Doesn’t your own happiness stop being a priority the day you have a child? I want to believe you’d tell me I’ll be incapable of being the best mother to my daughter if I’m not happy myself. That’s what I want to hear. But I can’t put words in your mouth when you’re not here.” I exhaled deeply. “I really need you.”
As birds chirped around me, I prayed for a sign. After a few minutes, when I felt some raindrops, I took that as my cue to leave. Before I walked away, though, I looked down and noticed that someone had left something at my mother’s grave. Holy wow. What were the chances? It had to be a sign from Mom telling me following my heart wasn’t just the best decision, it was the only choice.
I picked up the single rosebud and raised it toward the sky. “Thanks, Mama.”
***
Back at home, I realized I had to get this over with before the stress killed me. Casey’s mother had already been watching Rosie today, so I asked if she could take her for a few more hours tonight so I could talk to Casey as soon as he got home.
My stomach was upset. My legs were shaky. And more than that, I felt like the worst person ever. Like I deserved nothing but an angry, hateful reaction from him. Casey was going to be blindsided. I should’ve made this decision months ago when Dorian came to town. Even then I’d known what my heart desired, even if I refused to accept it. Instead, I’d sat on the inevitable. Now we were that much closer to the wedding, and everything would be so much harder. It wasn’t just Casey’s heart I was about to shatter. My daughter had been looking forward to wearing her princess dress, to seeing her parents united forever. I only hoped she was still young enough that she wouldn’t clearly remember this time in her life when her mother turned her world upside down.
When the door opened, I felt ready to drop, like my legs might collapse under me.
A look of alarm crossed Casey’s face. “Babe? What’s going on? Did something happen?”
“No!” I wiped the sweat from my forehead. “Everything is fine. Rosie is with your mother for a few more hours.”
“Why is she still there?”
“There’s something we need to talk about. I needed to be alone with you.” The room felt wobbly.