Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 92371 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 462(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 308(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92371 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 462(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 308(@300wpm)
I swallow hard, feeling a war in my fucking soul, the boundaries of my heart reaching their limits. With a smile, I slowly nod, lacing my fingers with hers because sometimes we make decisions, and sometimes decisions make us.
She focuses on the server delivering food a few tables away, and her smile fades. “The longest two minutes of my life took me to hell and back. And just when I allowed myself to feel a spark of excitement, a sunrise of new possibilities, it was negative.”
It takes a moment, several long blinks, before her words make sense.
She wipes her tears as soon as they slide down her face. “It’s so stupid. How can I feel brokenhearted over something I didn’t want?” She sniffles. “But then I did. And now it hurts.”
I scoot my chair closer to hers and pull her into my arms. “I’m sorry,” I say. And I am. I’m sorry for a million different reasons, even if I don’t regret all of them. Does that make me a bad person? Flawed beyond redemption?
Can I be sorry for hurting her without regretting the love I have for Alice? Our time together? Does the heart always walk a righteous path? Or is it the one thing that makes humans inescapably fallible?
“You make everything better,” she whispers, hugging me like I’m the only thing holding her together. “I’ve never been so sure about anything or anyone in my life as I am about you.”
Blair—my proverbial pregnancy test—was everything I thought I wanted until life presented another option. And now I can’t reconcile any of this. Every decision feels wrong and cruel. If I break Blair’s heart, I don’t know if I can live with myself, and now I don’t know if I can ever feel deserving of happiness that involves Alice.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Alice
Is anyone really “deserving” of anything?
“Can we talk?” I say to Murphy, peeking my head around the corner into his bedroom.
Blair and Vera are at the hospital this morning because Mr. Morrison is being released today. Murphy has avoided me lately, and I have to assume it’s because he’s staying with Blair.
He turns in his chair, eyeing me intently for a few seconds before nodding. I miss his smile. It’s been a while since he’s looked at me with that grin that makes me feel adored.
“Are you going to tell Blair about us?”
He narrows his eyes. “Why?”
“Because I need to know if I’ll be keeping this job.”
Murphy leans back in the chair and rakes his fingers through his hair. “I need to.”
That’s not helpful.
“Are you wanting to know if I’m going to marry her?”
I shake my head. “I just want to know if you’re going to tell her. And if you are, that’s fine. I understand. But your decision affects my life. If you need to tell her, I would never ask you not to. It’s just, I have a decision to make, and I need to know if I have job security or not.”
“Rumor has it, you can work for the neighbor,” he says.
My nose wrinkles. “I thought of that. But it would feel like a betrayal. And honestly, if you tell Blair, I don’t think I want to be that close to the Morrisons, out of respect.”
He drops his gaze to the floor. “Do I deserve you?”
My heart sinks into my stomach as much as it did the day I found Hunter unconscious on the kitchen floor. What kind of question is that? And how do I answer it? “Murphy …”
“Every time I get this idea in my head about you, something happens, and it just blows up on me. And I’m not blaming you.” He grunts a painful laugh, refocusing on me. “I don’t think anyone is to blame. But I poured my heart out to you years ago, determined to keep you forever, then you were taken away. Years later, I convinced myself it was time to really let you go because you weren’t coming back. Then you did. So, despite my reservations, I jumped again without regard for anything or anyone else, and it’s like my parachute deployed, but I’ve gotten tangled up in it, and now I’m just free-falling, and when I land, it’s going to hurt so fucking bad.”
I don’t understand, so I squint as though I’m trying to read between the lines, but it’s all too blurry.
Murphy gives me a sad smile. “I tried to tell Blair. I gathered every ounce of courage I could muster and met her for lunch a few days ago. I knew it was going to hurt, but you are so worth it. You deserve to be loved the way my heart has longed to love you since we met. And I struggled with the idea of wanting you and her. But then I realized that’s not true. I love two women, but I only want to be with one.”