Total pages in book: 58
Estimated words: 56931 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 285(@200wpm)___ 228(@250wpm)___ 190(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 56931 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 285(@200wpm)___ 228(@250wpm)___ 190(@300wpm)
I take a breath, shocked at how nervous I am. It’s worse than I’ve been for any stream in years.
Dakota: Are you still curious about why I went all weird on the boat?
He types back straight away. I love this about us: no games, no waiting until we reply. Even Mara does that when she meets guys. She says she has to make them sweat. But we make each other sweat enough without resorting to that.
Jack: I’m curious about what upset you so much. But I wouldn’t categorize it as you going ‘all weird’. Something happened on that boat. Or maybe something happened another time, and the boat brought it up. Whatever it is, I’m ready to hear it. If you want to share it.
I take another breath, then let it out shakily.
Dakota: I sometimes compare my life to other people’s. This is a big thing for me, even now, at thirty years old. But for other people, people who have lived harder lives, it would be a blip.
Jack: You don’t need to qualify it. Or make excuses. Or anything like that.
Dakota: Since when did you become so enlightened?
Jack: Since I met you. That sounds like a line, but it’s the truth. I left college, then I lived two decades inside an office. Now, here I am.
I tap my finger against my chin, touched. I wish I could enjoy his compliments and attention without this mental block always holding me back.
Dakota: My dad never hit me. He DID hit my mom, and that’s just one reasons I’ve gone no-contact and I’ll stay no-contact. But he never hit me, not with his fists. But he had this way of controlling us, criticizing, making sure every little thing fit into his idea of who we were supposed to be.
I click send, then see the status turn to read.
Jack: I’m here, Dakota.
His words are the best thing he could’ve said.
Dakota: I hated it, even as a little kid. Even before I knew that it was wrong, something in me rebelled against it. Then I met Mara and her cousin, Noah. Noah was younger than us, but he was so, so perceptive. He had autism, and it got really bad sometimes. He’d stim for an hour straight. But after, he’d say things that were so simple, so direct, it stripped everything away.
I pause, coughing back a sob as I see his happy, bright face in my mind.
Dakota: As we got older, Noah began mentioning how wrong it was. He said my dad had no right to be so involved in my life. Not in those words, but it was enough. He and Mara helped me to distance myself from his control, to make my own identity. If we went to a party and Dad started berating me, calling me names, talking about my body and sick things like that, they were always there.
I hit send, then wait anxiously. My feet insisting tapping against my mattress.
Jack: Christ, Dakota. That’s awful. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. At least you found your people at the right time. I don’t know what consolation that offers. I don’t know if I can offer anything. Except listening more.
Dakota: That’s all I want.
Jack: I’m here, Dakota.
I smile and sob at the same time, my throat going tight.
Dakota: Noah got sick when we were in our late teens. Unfortunately, he passed away. He’s the one who encouraged me to finally start streaming the game we’d all fallen in love with. Your game, Jack. He empowered me to make that decision. It was his last gift to me.
Jack: I’m so sorry. I wish I was there so I could give you a hug.
Dakota: I bet you’re wondering what relevance this has to the boat.
Jack: No.
Dakota: You’re not curious?
Jack: I could be wrong, but it makes sense to me already.
Dakota: Go on.
A minute passes with three dots on the screen, telling me he’s writing a message. Each moment feels like an eternity, stretching.
Finally, his message arrives.
Jack: This is how I see it, beautiful. Your father was a controlling, abusive POS. Men like that don’t behave that way from the beginning. Otherwise, they’d be alone forever. So, I bet he could turn on the charm, act like an angel when he needed to. He probably took you on days out or bought you stuff. That messed with your head, because that man was a monster, and yet there he was, being all nice like all that monstrous shit never happened. And on the boat, that all came rushing back. That’s why you mentioned love bombing. You were terrified I was going to take your agency away. You saw that cove and it was like a dream come true, then came the pressure, the what if… what if this man flips a switch, like your father did?