Total pages in book: 128
Estimated words: 128356 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 642(@200wpm)___ 513(@250wpm)___ 428(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 128356 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 642(@200wpm)___ 513(@250wpm)___ 428(@300wpm)
Not sure why I was expecting to see Violet up there when this is the fifth time I’ve checked.
Fine. Tenth.
Why would she even come to watch the game when I’ve ghosted her since that night?
Yes, I made sure her bodyguard escorted her home safely, and he’s always keeping an eye on her, but I haven’t dropped by the penthouse since.
I’ve been busy slashing faces open and pretending they’re Regis’s.
The first few days, Violet texted me.
Are you okay?
You probably need time to deal with this, so I shouldn’t bother you, but I wanted to check in just in case you need someone to talk to.
It doesn’t have to be me. Kane and Preston would also listen, right?
I’m sorry you had to find out about your mother’s suicide that way. I know it must’ve hurt, but it’s not your fault.
Isn’t it strange that you used to tell me that about my own mother, and now I’m saying it to you? I guess we’re really alike in that regard. Preston said the three of us should form the Mommy Issues Club.
Jokes aside, I’m starting to unravel my past now that I’ve accepted that it’s not my fault. Sometimes, it’s hard, and Mama still appears in my nightmares, calling me names, but it’s better than before I met you. In a sense, your telling me it’s not my fault or I’m not my mom helped open my perspective, and it’s part of the reason why I’m in therapy. Aside from being able to afford it now, of course. So I’m truly thankful for that, Jude. I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, and what we have is just physical, so I’m probably overstepping, but I wanted to say that your mother’s illness or choices are not your fault. It’s not hers either, because she was obviously struggling and battling her own head, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re the victim.
Can you text me back to say that you’re okay? I promise I’ll stop bothering you. Preston says you’re living your best life, but I feel like he jokes about everything.
All right, then. I guess this is it.
She sent that last text three days ago.
Then she completely stopped contacting me. Not that I wanted her to, but the last text’s tone keeps bugging me.
What does ‘this is it’ mean? Does she think I’ll ever let her go?
Fuck that.
It doesn’t matter what I unveil about my past or the lies I painted for myself; Violet will certainly not stop being a part of my life.
I just need to stay away from her while I’m in this enraged murderous mood. I like to think I wouldn’t hurt her, but I’ve also never felt this fucking attached to a person before.
So goddamn gone that the past week felt like fucking torture.
It’s part of the reason why I’m slipping back into old habits with this game and embracing aimless fucking violence.
The moment I’m unleashed from the box, I go back to hitting people and picking fights, pumped by the crowd buzzing and the shouts and bangs that echo in the rink.
It’s like a hit of a potent drug. The only problem is that the high only lasts a few minutes.
Seconds, even.
And then I’m back to that fucking itch of wanting more and more.
Fucking more.
I end up committing another penalty, and the coach benches me while cursing and shouting.
We end up losing.
Despite Kane’s, Preston’s, and the rest of the team’s efforts to hold the fort, I fucked it up to a degree of epic proportions, and now everyone else has to suffer the same prickly mood I’m in.
Coach Slater pulls me aside to give me a piece of his mind and reminds me that my father won’t be pleased by what he calls ‘the worst game of your entire career.’
Fuck my father.
If he wanted the perfect hockey season and all the bragging rights that come with it, maybe he shouldn’t have shown me the letter or the security footage.
He should’ve pulled a Julian and left me ignorant for the rest of my life. It would’ve been convenient for him, me, and the whole world.
But no, he had to make me doubt my relationship with my mom.
Julian said that all these years, Regis has really loathed that I’ve held her on a pedestal while he’s been labeled as Lucifer in my head.
So if I can never develop any affection for my father, then he’d rather taint any affection I had for my mother, too.
He’s always been the cruelest motherfucker.
Whenever I liked something or got attached to someone, he’d show me the hard way that people like us don’t get attached. Everything is a transaction, including interpersonal relationships.
He only approves of Kane and Preston because they’re part of our world and understand the meaning of the legacy we need to uphold.