Total pages in book: 123
Estimated words: 116597 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 583(@200wpm)___ 466(@250wpm)___ 389(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 116597 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 583(@200wpm)___ 466(@250wpm)___ 389(@300wpm)
“Have you talked to her about Leduc?”
I hesitated, stilling where I’d been shuffling the hacky sack from hand to hand.
“No.”
“No?” Arman scribbled that down. “I find that surprising, if she’s a mentor of sorts. Don’t you think she should know about that history?”
Everything inside me shut down at the thought, but I fought through the ache and worked through it. That was the whole fucking point of being in this room, after all.
“It’s weird. I trust her with stuff I’ve never told anyone, with doing things I’ve never done before. But also… I don’t really trust her at all.”
Doc tilted his head slightly. “I don’t think I follow.”
I leaned forward, elbows on my knees and hacky sack gripped between my hands as I tried to explain. “She’s got this… shield. Like titanium-grade. She’s composed all the time. Calm. Controlled. She doesn’t do messy.” I paused. “I don’t think she can do messy.”
I felt my chest tighten as I said it, like I was betraying her just by putting it into words.
“If I told her about Leduc — about the way his voice still echoes in my head every time I fuck up — I think she’d hear me. But I also think she’d laugh at me. I think she’d see it for what it is, for what I am.” I swallowed, sitting up straight again with my eyes on the floor. “Weak.”
Arman didn’t flinch at the word or assure me I wasn’t weak. He didn’t there, there me, either. He just gave me one of those patient nods, leaving me space to explore that feeling.
When I didn’t say anything else, he cleared his throat. “It kind of sounds like you’ve written an ending to this story in your head without any of it playing out in reality.”
That shut me up.
I stared down at my hands. They looked too big in my lap. I found myself overanalyzing them for the first time in my life, like I’d just realized they were as awkward as the rest of me.
Then, I thought about how those hands had graced Livia’s body, how she’d let me touch her, taste her. I looked at my dumb fingers and wondered again why she was wasting her time with me.
Because you’re paying her, dumbass.
Still, I wondered if Doc was making a fair assessment. When I’d first asked Livia about what was wrong the night she came to my place, she’d brushed me off. But after our lesson, she’d opened up a bit more. Not too much — but enough for me to see that she had warmth beneath her cool exterior.
There were more layers to her than she presented to the world.
I just didn’t think she was eager to let anyone, least of all me, peel them back.
But did that mean she would judge if I showed her my own vulnerability?
I thought about our first lesson, how ashamed I’d been when I’d busted like a fucking teenager without her touching me.
She’d soothed me. She’d assured me I had nothing to be ashamed of.
Why did it still feel fucking terrifying to consider telling her about Coach?
Another thought hit me like a brick after that one: would she feel more comfortable opening up to me if I let her in first?
“You think telling her would help?” I asked Doctor Arman, voice rougher than I meant.
“I think you might be surprised,” he said. “Maybe don’t decide who she is for her. I don’t know much about her, but if she’s been a mentor to you like you said, then I think this could unlock a missing piece of the puzzle for her. And in turn, help both of you.”
Doctor Arman’s words buzzed around in my head like a trapped fly as I left his office. I didn’t know why it was easy to admit every sexual shortcoming I had to Liv, but the thought of confessing the origin of my insecurities made me want to run out in traffic.
I pulled my phone from my pocket when I exited the office building and headed toward my Range Rover Sport in the parking lot. The group chat with the guys had a dozen missed texts.
Daddy P: Save the date, benchwarmers. Having a party at our house on February 21.
Tanny Boy: … to celebrate marrying the love of my life. There, I filled in the gaps for you, Daddy P.
Brittzy: Lmao I was about to ask if Chef Patel was forcing this on you so she could try out a new grilling recipe. No way would you willingly host a party.
Daddy P: It’ll be outside. By the pool. Casual attire.
Tanny Boy: Please, try to contain your excitement, Goalie. We need all your energy for the playoff race.
Su Man: Who the fuck added me to this chat?
Daddy P: Like it or not, you’re part of the group now, Aleks. Think your wife could make an appearance?