Total pages in book: 60
Estimated words: 56238 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 281(@200wpm)___ 225(@250wpm)___ 187(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 56238 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 281(@200wpm)___ 225(@250wpm)___ 187(@300wpm)
Moving around my house, I grab the marinating steaks from my fridge before heading out to my back deck to fire up the grill. I wasn’t lying to her. I did have this meal planned and I am leaving on a transport tomorrow. Only I left out I normally take the leftovers with me for lunch the next day on the road. Having her and Justice over, somehow, I know it will be worth giving up the second serving tomorrow.
Even if I can only manage to give her this one meal, I am happy to do it.
I don’t know her history, but I know single moms shouldn’t have to do everything alone. I stand on that with every breath in my body.
Four
Josie
Sleep: a mother’s best friend that forgets to visit regularly
* * *
“What am I even doing?” I ask the urn knowing he won’t reply. I throw myself back on my bed. “I make one bad decision after another. Since losing you, I can’t get a grip.”
Inhaling deeply, I can’t shake off the feelings inside.
“I wasn’t supposed to be one half of the whole. We were a team. I’m not supposed to make all the decisions for me, for our son, for life alone. You were my partner. Five years without you and I still struggle. Maybe I should have moved home.” I look to the urn even though I know it doesn’t have the answers. “Do I sell the house and go back to Arkansas? Is that where you would want to be?”
I feel the tears filling my eyes. “We never talked about life after the Army. We didn’t get a chance. We didn’t talk about life apart. How am I supposed to do this?”
The grief overwhelms me again. Some days are normal. I can get by without him being my every thought of every second. Other days, I get consumed by losing him and what should have been. There are so many things we didn’t get to plan. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve been floating through the days without him. Looking to my ceiling, I sigh. I have to get myself together. For Justice, I need to sort things and figure out my life, our future. He deserves the best mom he can get. I have to be mom and dad, and that means I can’t sit here wallowing remaining undecisive.
If I sell the house, I’ll have the money to move. How much will I need to give Brett? He didn’t pay for the house, as in purchase price, but he did pay for the upgrades here and there. Legally, we were married, but it came after I purchased the house. I didn’t think it was marital property until I met with my lawyer. Regardless of when I bought it, North Carolina law gives him a stake in the value of the home. The entire divorce is full of complications because Brett didn’t want it. A contested divorce is a whole extra process. While I managed to prove I have been separated from him for one year (the requirement in North Carolina) all it granted me was an actual divorce. Division of assets is a separate matter and one that Brett has been dragging out. There seems to be no end in sight for me.
How can I even sell the house in order to move home? Will Brett even consider this? Would he move out easily? How can I make him understand? We won’t work. Not ever again. I don’t know that we ever worked in the first place. Grief, moral obligation, and vulnerability tied us together, but that does not make a marriage. It took me some time to clear my head, to get out of the fog. Once I did, though, I knew it was over. Two years I’ve tried to get him to let me go. He challenges every move I make. This rental is okay, but I need to figure out a real, long-standing home for me and my son. One I make for myself.
In a cloud of grief, I thought Justice needed a father figure. I thought I needed a man. Brett knew Jonah. This simple connection gave me an odd sense of comfort, I can’t explain it. They served together, Brett and Jonah. Brett was one of two in the unit to make it home. He convinced me, Jonah made him promise to take care of me and Justice. He claimed he had a duty to be around for Jonah. Friendship carried over unexpectedly into something more. Early on, I felt the spark. I thought we shared this special bond tied up in Jonah. I quickly learned everything with Brett is altogether something different. That something doesn’t work. He has shown me; it doesn’t work now and won’t work ever. He isn’t the man I want to raise my son and there is no doubt Jonah wouldn’t want him being the example for Justice.