Total pages in book: 52
Estimated words: 49178 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 246(@200wpm)___ 197(@250wpm)___ 164(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 49178 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 246(@200wpm)___ 197(@250wpm)___ 164(@300wpm)
And what did any of this even mean in the first place? I wasn’t running from or fearful of the emotions Benny stirred in me—not I had the first time I felt these visceral sensations—but I still didn’t know how to deal with them. Did I surrender to the wave? Just lean into the connection? And what about our past?
A blade made of pure guilt stabbed through my chest. I had to apologize to him.
Benny’s dark eyes narrowed. “Honestly, the picture you sent has kept me pretty entertained.”
I chuckled at that, trying to hide the way my body really wanted to react to the mention of the photos we swapped—with a moan. “That was hot.”
“It was. I didn’t think… I guess I shouldn’t assume things are just like they used to be.”
“It’s weird. Nothing’s how it used to be, but it also feels like everything’s how it used to be. I can’t really explain it.”
“You don’t have to,” Benny said. “I get it.”
Of course he did. Benny always got it. He always understood me. I set the plate down on the ledge of the empty stall next to me. “You know, Benny, I’ve been meaning to talk to you… about how I left. How I said things I never should have said. Acted in ways I really fucking regret. To this day, I still regret ever pushing you away. Seeing you fall backward, it’s a reoccurring nightmare of mine. Sometimes there’s nothing but empty space behind you. Those are the worst.” A swell of emotion lodged in my throat. I’d come a long way from the repressed and selfish kid I’d once been, but it scared me that I’d been capable of that to begin with. “I’m so sorry. I should have just respectfully explained why I couldn’t kiss you. Why I couldn’t be with you the way you wanted me to, the way you deserved. I was just so scared of—of bullshit, honestly. Of disappointing my parents, of turning toward sin. I was religious to a point of toxicity back then. It shaped some of my reactions. I’m sorry.”
Each word I spoke felt like applying soothing balm to a blistering sunburn. I couldn’t stay a day longer at Rainbow Ranch without getting this apology out. Especially not when I was flirting with the one person I’d been so terrified to even bat an eyelash toward when I was younger. We’d been best friends, always together, and that had made me extra alert to try and avoid any tiny action that could be misconstrued and kick up a whirlwind of nasty rumors.
What I should have been terrified of was losing the one person who I could fully be myself around.
Benny blinked in surprise. He clearly wasn’t expecting this, and if he was, what I said still caught him off guard. He smiled, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I really appreciate that, Sam, and I accept it. Seeing you wasn’t easy, I ain’t gonna lie. It brought up a whole lot of feelings I thought were buried. Some of those feelings were negative, just from how we left things. But you apologizing to me… it means a lot. And it makes those negative emotions kinda just… fade away.”
“Good,” I said. The space between us was shrinking. Was I moving toward him, or him moving toward me? I couldn’t quite tell. It was as though we’d both been caught inside each other’s orbit, being pulled closer and closer together.
“So, I guess what I’m wondering is—forget it, not my place to ask.”
“Ask,” I said. “You can ask me anything.”
His eyes locked with mine. He was thinking about it. I knew what he wanted to ask, and I was scared I wouldn’t have the answer for him.
But that didn’t matter. I knew I was in a place that was safe enough for me to figure it out.
My Apple Watch buzzed with a notification. Out of instinct—and because service out here was so bad, the random buzz scared me—I checked the alert. An email appeared on the screen, sent from my boss’s account, simply titled: Termination Effective Immediately.
My mood, buoyed by the flirty tension between Benny and I, immediately plummeted down to the very core of the earth. It was as if my boss personally reached through my phone and slapped me across the face after she’d just gotten a new set of nails installed.
Well, I guess no place is safe from a pink slip.
8
BENNY
I cleared my throat. The earthy scent of hay and horse feed filled the air. Dennis was nearby, his entire head stuffed in a bucket of apples. The wet and greedy sounds of his crunches were louder than the sound of my pounding heart.
Where was this conversation headed? Was I hallucinating this? Dreaming? Had Sam actually brought up the sexting incident from last week? I truly thought that’d never be talked about again. I assumed he regretted ever opening up that horny can of worms with me. That thought had me pretty bummed, but I wasn’t going to blow up about it or go out of my way to make him think differently.