Total pages in book: 98
Estimated words: 90972 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 455(@200wpm)___ 364(@250wpm)___ 303(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 90972 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 455(@200wpm)___ 364(@250wpm)___ 303(@300wpm)
Slowly, that painful bit of reality sinks in. That’s the only problem here. I entered their world, and they don’t think I belong, so they want to push me out. It doesn’t matter that I’ve never actually done anything to hurt any of them—I exist, that’s the problem.
And what am I supposed to do? Let them win?
You need to pick your battles, Tammy. I hear Jason in my head while I push myself out of my chair, forcing my body to move through the crippling dread that’s taken hold of me. He used to shake his head and click his tongue at me before tugging on my ponytail. Because sometimes, I end up having to fight them for you later on.
He always fought for me. He was by my side, no matter what, the kind of big brother every kid dreams of. He always understood. And if anybody messed with me, he messed with them right back.
I would give anything, literally anything at all, to have him here. I would give up years of my own life if it meant giving him more years with me. Because as grim as life could be sometimes, it was nothing compared to existing without him. I never knew how crucial he was to keeping me safe and sane.
I am completely alone without him, with nobody to bring me back from the brink. I can only rely on myself.
I get in the shower, wishing I could wash away all of the shame that’s already clinging to my body and soul. I might not have done anything wrong, but that won’t matter to the vultures I’m about to face. They’ll probably know it’s not me in the picture and make a big deal about it, anyway. I didn’t know it was possible to be ashamed over something I didn’t do.
Who knew going to college would mean getting this kind of an education?
A sob bursts from my mouth while I’m washing my hair. Once again, there’s nobody to hear it but me.
It doesn’t hit me until I park in the lot closest to the library that this could be a setup.
What if it is? What if the email I got about the study group tonight was only another way of humiliating me? Today went pretty much like I expected: lots of laughs, lots of stares, more than a few high-pitched whistles. A couple guys made jokes while I walked past about enjoying my work—one of them even grabbed his crotch, because I guess he wanted to make sure I got the message he had already expressed loud and clear. They’re all a bunch of idiots. It’s no surprise they figure I’m an idiot, too.
But maybe they’re right, because I’m actually here, having made the conscious choice to return to campus hours after my final class of the day.
Why am I doing this to myself? Oh, right, because I’m supposed to be here to get an education, and there is a group project requirement in Lit class. I’m going to have to work with my classmates eventually. It would be different if there was no such project on the horizon. Showing up if that was the case would be unforgivably stupid, so I guess climbing out of the car is only mildly stupid. If not stupid, risky. I’m taking a real risk of being introduced to further levels of humiliation.
But my stubborn streak is deep and wide. I’m not walking into this with my eyes closed, but I will walk into it. I’m not going to risk ruining my chance for a good grade by hiding in the house. I’m not going to let them win.
It’s eerily quiet at this time of night. I almost feel like I have to walk gently, carefully. The paths are all well-lit, so I don’t feel unsafe. I mean, I don’t exactly feel comfortable, what with everything that’s already gone on today, but there are still some cars in the lot and most of the buildings have lights shining through the windows. Campus isn’t exactly deserted.
So why do I feel so skittish? I guess it’s a sense of being someplace after hours, the way I would feel when we’d go in for parent-teacher conferences when I was a kid. It’s funny when you first realize the world doesn’t stop moving just because you’ve gone home for the day.
The library is still well-lit, though at first glance, it doesn’t seem like there are many people in there. In fact, as I approach, I don’t see anybody at all. We’re supposed to be on the second floor, though, and the main door is unlocked when I test it. So far, so good. There is an elevator that leads up there. I don’t know why, but the idea of taking the stairs makes me nervous. It’s the overwhelming quiet in here, I think. Being alone in the stairwell, maybe. I don’t like the idea; it makes me uncomfortable, so I take the elevator instead.