Total pages in book: 54
Estimated words: 51484 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 257(@200wpm)___ 206(@250wpm)___ 172(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 51484 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 257(@200wpm)___ 206(@250wpm)___ 172(@300wpm)
“You chose for me.”
“Yeah. Had I known…” He swallows hard, regret in his eyes. “Well, maybe I would have chosen differently. I don’t fucking know. But I thought I was doing right by you, giving you the best chance to keep what was left of your family intact.”
I process his response for a moment, trying to sort out how I feel about it. I should be pissed. He made a decision for me that was mine to make, one that changed both of our lives. But without even knowing exactly what my brother did, it’s so damn hard to say he was wrong. I’m driving blind here, grasping at straws.
And I’ve had five years of anger. Five years of being mad at him. Maybe I was mad for the wrong reasons, but the results were the same. Neither of us was happy. Neither of us moved on. And neither of us even had a clue the other felt the way we did.
More anger now isn’t going to change reality. And the reality is…even after five years, I never got over him. And I don’t think he ever got over me either. We’ve been in limbo, just waiting. Hoping.
Getting pissed all over again now won’t change the past. It won’t undo anything or give us back those five years. Why the hell waste more on an emotion that solves nothing and hurts us both?
Besides, Jamison is the one who told the lie. Whatever he did started the ball rolling down the hill. If anyone deserves my anger, it’s him. I’ve been pointing it at the wrong person for too long already. And frankly…I’m just done.
I’m not a pushover. I’m not spineless. I’m just tired. Of waiting. Of living half a life. Of wondering what might have been. If this is my chance to find out, I want to take it. There’s no room for anger in that.
Sometimes, growing up means realizing that anger doesn’t solve anything. It just stands in the way.
“I wish you’d let me decide for myself,” I say. “I wish the last five years hadn’t happened. I’m not helpless and in need of protection.” He opens his mouth to say something, but I throw up a hand, forestalling him. “But I get that you were doing what you thought was best for me under the circumstances. I’m not thrilled about it, but you are who you are.”
“And you are who you are,” he says softly. “He’s your brother, baby. He raised you. I don’t have to like him to respect that relationship. I won’t be the motherfucker who takes it away from you.”
“It’s that bad, huh?” I ask, my stomach quivering with anxiety.
Jordan jerks his chin in a nod.
I sigh quietly, not really surprised. It’s not like I didn’t already know, right? A lie big enough to ruin lives isn’t told for the hell of it. “Can I ask another question?”
“Yeah.”
I bite my lip, hesitating. Afraid to ask the question that’s bothered me for a long time. “Did he do something to Vanessa?”
Jordan doesn’t say anything…and I guess that’s my answer, isn’t it?
“I always wondered why she just quit school and cut me out of her life,” I whisper around the lump in my throat. For the longest, I thought maybe it was because Jamison was telling the truth. “I guess now I know, right? I lost you and my best friend because of my brother.”
Jordan presses his lips to the back of my hand.
“He doesn’t deserve your protection,” I mutter.
“It was never about protecting him, Sutton.” Jordan cups my cheek, tilting my head back until my eyes lock with his. “It’s always been about protecting you.”
“I wish you’d just tell me.”
“Ask him.”
I narrow my eyes on him. “He isn’t going to tell me.”
Jordan just shrugs like he doesn’t know.
“I want something.”
“Name it.”
I bite my lip, hesitating. “Talk to him when you’re there.”
“Fuck no.”
“Please?” I whisper.
“Fuck no, Sutton. I’ve got nothing to say to him.”
“Maybe he has something to say to you.”
“There’s not a goddamn thing he can say to make me forgive him for the last five years.” He strokes my cheek. “He didn’t just hurt me. He hurt you. Fuck him forever for that.”
I hesitate, wondering if I should tell him. “He hurt himself, too.” Jordan doesn’t say anything, so I take that as my cue to continue. “Obviously, I don’t know what he did to her, but whatever it was, I think he’s regretted it for a long time. He…changed after she left him. He drinks alone a lot. Management quietly sent him to rehab last year during the offseason. If he doesn’t get it together soon, they may not renew his contract. I don’t think he even cares. It’s like he hates himself.” I shrug, not really sure why I’m telling Jordan any of this. He doesn’t owe Jamison anything, not anymore. Not after everything. But…he’s still my brother. He’s still the guy who raised me after our parents died. There’s not a switch I can flip to magically shut off a lifetime of loving him.