Total pages in book: 82
Estimated words: 79319 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 397(@200wpm)___ 317(@250wpm)___ 264(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 79319 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 397(@200wpm)___ 317(@250wpm)___ 264(@300wpm)
Denny cornered me after practice, brow furrowed with genuine concern. “Dude, what the hell was that today?”
“Just working hard,” I grumbled.
He straddled the bench in front of my locker and motioned for my nearest neighbors to beat it. “Anything you want to talk about?”
“No.”
“Okay.” Denny didn’t leave. In fact, he unlaced his skates with the precision of a heart surgeon and untied his pads.
“What are you doing, Mellon?”
“What does it look like I’m doing?” he countered.
“I’m fine,” I insisted. “Nothing to see here.”
“I heard you, but I think that maybe you’re full of shit.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. I don’t—”
“Jake’s fine,” Denny intercepted.
I clenched my jaw and swallowed hard. “Okay…good. I tried to call, but…”
“You know Jake. He likes his game to speak for him.”
“I didn’t know he was going to come out so soon.”
Denny froze. “Wait. What? You knew?”
I raked my teeth over my bottom lip. “Of course I fucking knew.”
“Oh.” He opened and closed his mouth as realization dawned.
“Oh,” I repeated.
“I…you and Jake?”
“Yeah.” I tore tape from my stick, my eyes blurring in frustration. “I don’t know what to do,” I admitted.
“Okay. Um…do you have to do something? I mean…I don’t think he expects you to come out or anything.”
“Maybe not, but—”
“No buts. I’m serious, man. It’s not a game or a contest. When you’re ready, you’ll know. That’s all there is to it.” He waited for my nod, and added, “Was it…new?”
“Yeah.”
Denny hummed thoughtfully. “Okay…well, if you ever want to talk, I’m here.”
“Thanks, but I don’t think I have anything to say. It’s over, and it sucks.”
“Talk to him. Keep trying.”
He hobbled to his own bench, leaving me to dark thoughts and a head full of confusion.
I wanted to be there for Jake, be part of his story, but that would require a whole new level of bravery. To be out, to be with a man…how could I do that and still play hockey? Still be me?
Did he even want me…us? I knew he cared about me, but I didn’t factor into his decision to come out. That was all him. I wasn’t supposed to be part of his future and the more I thought about that, the more upset this whole fucking thing made me. Whose fault was that? I hadn’t told Jake how I felt about him.
Maybe it wouldn’t change anything, but keeping this inside might kill me. He had to know.
30
JAKE
Official press release:
“I haven’t made many personal statements, but I feel like it’s important to be transparent and honest to my family, my friends, and to hockey fans. Anyone out there questioning their sexuality or where they fit in a world that feels hostile, you’re not alone. I’m a son, a brother, a friend, a hockey player, and a proud bisexual man. And while my personal life is my own business, if my honesty can make a difference to anyone struggling with their sexuality, I want to help. I’ll see you on the ice.” – Jake Milligan
Boston’s PR gurus worked with McD on the messaging for my coming-out story. I called a meeting with the team and told them so no one would be blindsided. My teammates were a good group of guys, and though I knew it was unreasonable to think everyone would have my back, I’d been blown away by the support of the entire organization.
Post preseason games were a flurry of annoying questions about my personal life instead of the killer shot I’d buried in the second period or the pass I’d made to Sergei that he’d turned into a late goal. But I was getting used to it. I’d talked to Denny about how he’d handled the press and fans, and I worked on my own spiel.
“This was the right time for me. It’s that simple.”
I ran into some assholes on the ice who used slurs as defensive strategies, but those guys had always been around. I was more surprised at how cool the fans were than anything. I spotted a bi flag in the stands in Toronto and homemade posters that said, “Bi is fly” and “We love Jake!” in Detroit. So yeah…this was good.
If anything, I was disappointed that I’d waited. My bi-ness was a superpower, and it felt kind of great to acknowledge it. Maybe it was time to take a page out of Mason’s book and get involved in a charity for LGBTQ youths in the city too. I could start my own. I had a lot to think about, and it was a positive diversion from my usual routine of wondering how long I had a place in the league and how I was going to survive playing against Denver.
Yeah, Denver was on my mind…big-time.
I was nervous. It had taken me two weeks to return Mason’s text messages. I know that had probably seemed like a dick move, but I’d needed space. I hadn’t wanted him to feel any obligation whatsoever. We’d agreed it was over, and I had to be okay with that.