Total pages in book: 192
Estimated words: 192810 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 964(@200wpm)___ 771(@250wpm)___ 643(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 192810 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 964(@200wpm)___ 771(@250wpm)___ 643(@300wpm)
“Okay,” I said when he stopped speaking.
“And you might come to some understanding of his. Because I also know that a parent is a parent, there is a yearning for them to be that, again, no matter your age. And it’s my experience, you never stop wanting them to be a good one.”
Yes, that was his experience.
And fortunately for him, his did.
Mine?
We’d have to see.
Though, I was sensing Mom was a lost cause.
“You’re saying this because…?” I prompted.
“Because, again, you might come to a point where, what you learn, how he explains, how he behaves with you, you forgive him. But you must know, I will not. Not ever.”
Oh boy.
“It’s your life,” he continued. “And your choice who to welcome into your life. But he will never be welcomed into mine. And when we have children, we’ll need to have another discussion.”
Oh boy!
“Aleksei—”
“I want to be open to this exploration with you,” he said, his voice rougher. “I’ve searched myself these past hours since I saw his holo, and for you, my love, I can and will search more. But you must know, I fear there will be no change in how I feel about this. If you find it in your heart to attempt some kind of relationship with him, I might get to the point where I’m capable of being cordial, but I doubt even that.”
“She died in his arms, Aleksei,” I whispered, and he flinched.
Yes.
He very much understood how painful that would be.
So when he asserted, “It doesn’t matter,” I was taken aback.
“I’m learning how deep our bond is,” I replied. “And I’m seeing how devastating that had to be for him. He says he was fifteen blocks away from her, and he still felt her fear. Their bond must have been—”
“It’s no excuse.”
“Aleksei—”
“Darling,” he bit off, “I stood in a cell and listened to my brother share how he conspired to murder your beast. I wanted to tear his head off. It took every ounce of control I had not to do so. And I didn’t.”
“And he didn’t succeed in his plans,” I pointed out.
“No, he didn’t. But consider this. Many years ago, it was a viable defense of rape when a male asserted he was under the influence of alcohol or drugs when he committed the act. Until it was made clear that there are vastly more males who could become inebriated and their instinct was not to violate a female, in fact, they’d never consider it and would find such an assertion of themselves repugnant, that this defense was successfully disputed.”
This was true.
Aleksei wasn’t done.
“We touched on this discussion tonight with the guilt Tim is feeling. He was a punk, playing pranks on his brothers, and his parents didn’t put a stop to it. I hated it, but I didn’t let it dig deep so I harbored it for years in order to use it as an excuse to commit unspeakable acts. In other words, what befalls us is not an excuse to commit unspeakable acts. If you do that, it’s in your character, whether you’re drunk, or you’ve experienced some trauma. A monster commits rape. A monster abuses his child. A monster conspires to commit murder. The murder Rol was conspiring to commit was of your beast, it’s still murder.”
He swept his thumb over my cheek and continued.
“They both have a monster within, love. As such, I’ll also share that it will be very difficult for me should you find it in your heart to forgive him, because I know this about him, which is why we’ll be discussing things further when we have children.”
What he said was food for thought.
But on my first chewing, I didn’t totally agree with him.
“I think you’re right about sexual assault, honey,” I said. “And I can’t say you’re wrong about Errol. But I also can’t say that anyone can discount loss or trauma and how it affects your psyche and how that will further affect your behavior.”
“He put his hands in anger on a child,” he gritted. “There isn’t a being alive who doesn’t understand that’s unconscionable.”
“I know,” I said, running my hands soothingly up and down his back. “But Timothee has behaved in manners reprehensible, and I sense forgiveness in you, because you sense he’s feeling regret and taking responsibility.” I gave it a beat before I finished, “My father is feeling regret and taking responsibility.”
A muscle jumped up his cheek.
He saw my point.
“I love how much you love me,” I whispered, and felt his big body relax in my arms. “And I know it’s intense, and sometimes can be troublesome for you, but for me, it feels amazing how deep your need is to protect me.”
“Laura,” he murmured.
“And I’ll tell you, I don’t know if I can forgive my father either. But if I do, and that need interferes with you being able to be there with me, so be it. It’s a consequence of his lack of control, or whatever took him to the place to take his grief out on me.” I lifted up and kissed his jaw before I fell back to the pillows. “It will be what we need it to be. And I promise, I won’t ask you to do anything it goes against your instincts to do.”