Total pages in book: 75
Estimated words: 69468 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 347(@200wpm)___ 278(@250wpm)___ 232(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 69468 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 347(@200wpm)___ 278(@250wpm)___ 232(@300wpm)
“They’re family now.” I made my voice rock-solid, hoping my eyes conveyed a similar conviction.
“Exactly.” Colt blew out a relieved sigh, expression turning cautiously hopeful. “I want you comfortable—”
“Not uncomfortable.” I cut him off with a frustrated noise, directed more at me than him. How had I fucked this up so badly?
Because you were hiding. And all at once, I was done. Done pretending. Done hiding. Done looking for a reason. Done waiting for someone else to make a move. Right here. Right now. It was past time.
“I’m gay.” My hands shook, but my voice stayed firm, no stuttering.
Colt gave the most comical slow blink I’d ever seen. “Pardon?”
He’d heard me just fine, so I didn’t repeat myself. “Knew long before you and Mav.”
Years of running scared all made sense now, even the years when I hadn’t let myself truly acknowledge my truth. Years of fighting for approval, burying the real me down deep, terrified of what might happen if I let him out. Settling for sneaky encounters, not letting myself want more.
But now I did. Reckon I’ll cope either way. My earlier epiphany resonated like a lingering shock wave, the world resettling around that truth. I hadn’t needed Jude to give me a reason to come out. It hadn’t been fair to put that on him. Relief surged through me, the sort of giddy, weightless feeling that followed a near-death experience. Maybe this was me finally coming alive for the first time ever.
“Oh.” Colt opened and closed his mouth a few more times, an Academy Award-worthy parade of emotions passing over his face. “Thank you for telling me,” he said at last. “And I’m proud of you. Nothing could change that.”
“Thank you.” I closed my eyes, perilously close to tears for the first time in decades. I’d needed to hear that. For all Colt drove me up a wall with his parental caretaking, he was the person I looked up to most in the world. “I’ll come to dinner.”
“Wait.” Colt made a pained sound. “Did I just guilt you into coming out?”
“Nope.” I gave a wobbly smile. “Done hiding.”
And I was. I hadn’t come out for Jude. Or Colt. Or anyone else. I’d come out for me, and I’d accept the consequences because this feeling of freedom was worth it.
“Good.” Colt clapped me on the shoulder. “Coming out is scary at first, but living your truth is worth it.”
“I can tell.” I leaned into his touch, drawing strength from the contact. “You’re happy.”
“I want you to be happy too.” Colt used the same tone one might for a prayer.
“I will be.” And I would. Whatever happened with this medical appointment. Whatever happened with Jude. I wasn’t going to wait for happiness to find me. I was ready to chase down happy and lasso that sucker because I wanted to find out who I was when I really started living.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Jude
Saturday afternoon held the last gasp of summer, a warm and sunny day that belied the chilly temperatures forecasted for next week. It also held the last tendrils of my sanity. I missed Carson fiercely and continued to wrestle with my phone, writing and deleting texts. The dog wasn’t as much of a distraction as I’d hoped. He was the most chill, low-maintenance canine I’d ever encountered and a direct contrast to my agitated mood.
We should talk. Sitting at my dining table, my finger hovered over the Send icon for the hundredth time. What if Carson didn’t want to talk? And did I really want to have this conversation over text? The dog dropped an orange-and-blue tennis ball into my lap, jostling my hand away from my messaging app. He sat patiently in front of me, big brown eyes waiting for me to get over myself.
“You’re right,” I said to the dog, hours past feeling ridiculous talking aloud to him. “Face-to-face is best. Sitting here isn’t doing anyone any good.”
I pushed to standing, and the dog followed me into the kitchen to grab my hat and truck keys.
“Want a ride?” I asked. Maybe Carson’s soft spot for horses would extend to dogs. I wasn’t above using my house guest to get Carson to listen. The dog carried his ball as he trotted alongside me to the side door.
“What the—” Three steps onto the porch, and I pulled up short. Equally startled, the dog ducked back into the house. Colt’s truck was parked next to mine. How had I missed the sound of someone coming down the drive? Dread filled me. Even in his personal vehicle, there was only one reason the sheriff would stop by unannounced on a Saturday. Please no.
“Jude?” Carson stepped out of the driver’s side of the truck, no Colt in sight. I dropped my keys. They clattered across the wooden porch floor, but I paid them no mind.