Total pages in book: 24
Estimated words: 21503 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 108(@200wpm)___ 86(@250wpm)___ 72(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 21503 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 108(@200wpm)___ 86(@250wpm)___ 72(@300wpm)
“Sera, fuck.” He flinches at the contact, his voice practically cracking under the weight of the word. He turns his head toward me. His eyes are shadowed with an exhaustion he’s clearly carried for far too long.
“I’m right here,” I whisper softly, the tip of my pointer finger soothing circles on his sweat-soaked skin. Neither of us says a word. He needs this moment, and I’m not going to rush it. There is a time and a place to use words to fill the void, this isn’t one of them.
“I didn’t think one would hit me like this tonight. They’ve been lessening. Apparently, I got too cocky.” He places his hand over mine and rolls to his side, and I situate myself to do the same.
“Can I get closer?” I ask hesitantly. Rafe does one better, pulling me into his warmth, burying his face in the cook of my neck. His large frame trembles against mine.
“I lost some good guys who shouldn’t have been lost. Men who had family to come home to, wives, children, parents, the whole kit and kaboodle.” He takes a deep breath. “The nightmares, they’re of Miller and Hayes, the same thing over and over again. The only thing that changes are if I have them or not. We were ambushed in the desert. I should have seen the signs. It was my job to lead, Sera.” I weave my fingers through his dark, damp hair, holding him closer as he gets this off his chest. “It eats me alive. Every single day, it eats at me. While I have a sister, and God knows I love Sable, the others, they had family. Hayes had a wife and a two-year-old little boy. Miller was engaged, supposed to get married a month after deployment. They all had people waiting, their whole lives mapped out.”
I remain silent, allowing him to talk, not judge, not interject, just be here for the man who has my whole heart. “I used to sit in those fucking briefings after I came back, looking at their files, and think, why them? Why not me? It didn’t make any sense. That’s when I put the wall up, built it so fucking high, so fucking thick, that nobody could penetrate it. It’s easier that way, to feel alone. I can’t hurt anybody, and they can’t hurt me. Feeling means risk. Feeling means opening the door to this kind of agonizing pain.” A tear escapes from my eye, dampening my cheek. Rafe is breaking my heart. His pain also fills me with a fierce tenderness. He lifts his head slightly, his gaze locking on mine. A faint bittersweet smile touches the corner of his lips. “That was the plan, at least.” His thumb brushes my tears off my cheek. “Keep the wall up, stay in the dark where it’s safe. Then you walked into my office, completely flipping the script.”
“Rafe.” My breathing hitches. “I didn’t mean to break your walls down,” I mutter, my voice thick with emotion.
“You didn’t break them, Sera,” Rafe corrects me softly, leaning forward until his forehead rests against mine. “You stood there, looking at me like I was worth saving. The walls simply didn’t matter anymore. You made me want to feel again, even the terrifying parts. Even this.” I shift slightly, closing the small distance between us and pressing my lips against his. The kiss isn’t urgent or passionate, it’s deep, reverent, understanding, and showing more than saying that I’m not going anywhere.
“Stay here with me?” he murmurs when I pull back.
“Always,” I promise, closing my eyes. He wraps his strong arms around my waist, pulling me flush against him and tucking my head beneath his chin.
“Not going to wake you up every night with this shit,” he says with a puff of air.
“Don’t even think about telling me you’ll sleep on the couch.” I stand on business. I’ve only just had him, all of him. I don’t want any part of him taken away from me.
“Not saying that. I’ll see the doctor, try counseling again, see if they came out with a new combo of meds to help me sleep. Whatever it takes, I’ll do it, for me, for you, for us.” When he puts it like that, he makes it impossible to resist holding back, so I do the only thing I can: I nod in agreement, and he seals the deal with a kiss.
EPILOGUE
RAFE
Two Weeks Later
I walk through the hall of our office, alone. Usually, Seraphina is by my side, but since I had an appointment, a video chat at my home office earlier this morning, she came in without me. True to my word, I found a head doctor, not the best analogy to use for a psychiatrist along with a therapist, but it’s the best that I can do for now. So far, the combination of medicine and writing and verbalizing feelings, something I’ve never done before, seems to be helping. I’m still on the fence about all of it, yet I’ll keep pushing through to see if I make some kind of progress. So far, since the first nightmare, there’s only been one more, and Sera was right there when the cloying sense of doom nearly took over.