Total pages in book: 104
Estimated words: 101466 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 507(@200wpm)___ 406(@250wpm)___ 338(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 101466 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 507(@200wpm)___ 406(@250wpm)___ 338(@300wpm)
Since sleep was impossible, I stayed busy.
I rubbed my tired eyes, reaching for a pen. All I had to do was sign this, and the next step in my journey would begin. I had even had the weak argument of getting out of my lease—which didn’t exist, and they agreed to pay the two months I said Jesse needed.
Jesse.
Just thinking of his name hurt me.
He was so angry. I hurt him. I hurt him deeply. If he were talking to me right now, I was certain he’d tell me I’d hurt him more than his family had.
I hadn’t seen him since the night he’d told me he loved me. Begged me to stay. To find a way to handle the project but still be his.
I hung my head, feeling the exhaustion of the sleepless nights. I needed to sign the contract, send it back, and start packing. I had decided to hire movers. I wanted to take Lou’s sofa plus the items I had bought. I didn’t have a lot of things, but anything I had of hers that Jesse had given me, I wanted to keep.
I would take my wind chimes from the side of the house. I was sure once I was gone, Jesse would tear down the ones in the tree. Burn them or toss them out.
I picked up the pen, my hand refusing to sign the papers.
Why couldn’t I sign?
I wiped at my cheeks, not surprised to feel them wet.
Why couldn’t I stop crying?
I sat back, frustrated. This was what I did. This was what I knew. I went from place to place. I skipped from town to town, never settling.
I didn’t know how to settle.
Jesse could show you, a voice whispered in my head. Jesse would love you the way you need to be loved. Completely. Always first.
I shook my head in frustration. That voice sounded like Lou, which was impossible. I couldn’t really recall what her voice sounded like, so how could I think it was hers?
I had spent some time in the woods, sitting on the fallen tree log. Since we’d scattered her ashes, I’d found myself there a lot. It was peaceful and lovely. I weeded her little garden and had planned to have Jesse help me outline it in rocks we gathered from around the yard and by the trail. I had started but sadly realized it would probably never be finished.
The last two days, I hadn’t found peace there. I felt a constant pressure in my chest, as if someone were pushing on me. The breeze blew my hair around, tangling it in my face as if annoyed. It was as if the little spot knew I was leaving and was upset.
Which was impossible.
But I knew I was leaving, and I was upset.
I sighed and stood. I’d go for a walk and clear my head. When I got back, I’d sign the contract, and it would be complete. I’d move on. Once I was gone, Jesse would realize I had been right, and he’d move on as well.
I ignored the pain that reverberated in my chest.
It would eventually go away.
I was still unsettled after I walked for over an hour. I cut through the woods, finding my way to Lou and Gerard’s spot, breaking through the trees in a different place. I froze as I stepped into the clearing, seeing Jesse sitting there. He stood, and we regarded each other silently. With a sad sigh, I stepped closer. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were here.”
I moved past him, but he held out his hand. “Wait.”
I paused, aching for him to touch me. Knowing I didn’t have that right anymore but wanting it anyway.
“What, Jesse?” I whispered, my throat tight.
“I thought I’d find you here eventually. I’ve been waiting.”
“I didn’t know you were home.”
“I passed you in the truck, but you didn’t look up.”
“I was thinking.”
“About?”
“Jesse,” I pleaded. “Don’t.”
“I have to. I can’t let you leave and not try to make you understand. I love you.”
I shook my head, and he stepped in front of me, taking me by the shoulders.
“I do. I love you.”
I felt the tears building.
“Look at me.”
I lifted my chin, meeting his gaze. He looked as exhausted as I felt. Tormented. Sad.
“I know you’re scared, Pix. I am too. I worry I’m not enough for you. That you’ll feel the same way about me my family did. I know you think love has to hurt and that you’ll always come last, but not with me. You will always be first.”
I drew in a stuttering breath, unable to talk. He kept going.
“I know you’re afraid because of your mother. I won’t let you lose yourself. I love how we are together. We make the other person better. I don’t want you to lose that. Or change.
“Lou loved you. She put you first. She loved me because I was enough. She showed us the greatest example of love. She proved it was possible to be loved without pain.”