Total pages in book: 260
Estimated words: 245483 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1227(@200wpm)___ 982(@250wpm)___ 818(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 245483 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1227(@200wpm)___ 982(@250wpm)___ 818(@300wpm)
The words are right there, wanting to be heard, but he continues instead, “Not being able to see you was the lowest moment in my life. And then you stopped coming altogether.”
I can feel him hesitating over a question.
“Just ask,” I plead. This is so damn painful. It’s the hardest conversation I’ve ever had because I need us to come out better after this. I can’t lose him again. Cill’s the only reason I’m not crying already. I sure as hell want to. The tears are nearly ready to flow. The guilt churns in my stomach.
Far off in the distance, almost so far we can’t hear it, a police siren disturbs the city.
“And you still have feelings for him?” Cill asks although it’s not so much a question, just a known truth.
I don’t lie to him. “Yeah … I still have feelings.”
“Did he wear a condom?” Cill asks.
I knew he would say that, but my stomach drops. “No.”
“You could have gotten pregnant.”
My teeth lock together like they don’t want to let out the words. I don’t want to give voice to the words. Every day I’ve tried to come to terms with this. To accept it as something I did that’s not any better or any worse than anyone else’s actions. But it is worse, because it was Reed. Because Cill had lost his freedom. I still had mine, and I used it to royally fuck up.
I can’t speak. The longer my hesitation lasts, the surer he’s going to be.
“You told me not to hold back,” Cill says gruffly. “Now you don’t hold back.”
“I did.” There. He knows now. I said it, and he knows. “I did get pregnant.”
As he props himself up to stare down at me, I fall to the sheets, the tears flowing, but nothing else does. “Hellcat …”
I’ve made it this far without breaking down. That won’t last forever.
“I found out two months in when I miscarried.”
Cill sucks in a breath. The shadows that line his face highlight the pain in his expression. I swear I see him wipe under his eyes just as I look at him, but I can’t be entirely sure because he leans down to kiss the crook of my neck the moment I think he’s crying.
I made a mistake and I suffered it alone.
Besides watching Cill get arrested, the miscarriage was the worst experience of my life. At first I didn’t know what was happening. I hadn’t been paying much attention to my cycle because I couldn’t bring myself to care about anything. Everyone knows that stress can cause you to be late. That’s what I thought, if I thought about it at all.
Then the bleeding started. The pain was what made me realize it wasn’t normal. I was only eight weeks along but it hurt so badly I couldn’t stand up. Every time I tried, I’d get dizzy. I thought I might die in my own bathroom.
Nobody else was there.
I wasn’t talking to Reed after what happened. It was awful what we’d done.
Cill wasn’t talking to me either. We had the fight and then I went silent and he gave me the silent treatment back.
So when I realized … all I thought was that I deserved to go through that pain alone.
Lydia was at work with her phone off.
I caved and called the only person who could take me to the hospital, but Reed wasn’t answering. And the person who I wanted to hold me and promise me it would be okay was locked in a prison cell.
That pain hits me all over again and I push Cill’s arm off me and try to stand up. Cill won’t let me leave. He pulls me back into the bed with him.
“I have to go,” I say, my voice thick with tears and shove my hand against him. “I don’t want to do this in front of you.”
His strong arms wrap around me and pull me close to him, bringing me into a comforting warmth.
With his lips brushing a kiss in the crook of my neck, he whispers, “That’s not true and you know it.” Without an ounce of fight in me, I give in, letting him pull my body as close to his as possible as he runs his hand over my hair. “You missed me like I missed you, Hellcat. Don’t try to lie to me about it.”
“Why should you watch me cry over this? It was my mistake. I deserve to work through the consequences on my own. You shouldn’t feel sympathy for me, Cill. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway.”
“Yeah. You were hurting and you tried to seek out comfort. You think I can blame you for that? I did the same damn thing, only there was nowhere to go but inside my head. I’m partly to blame for all this shit happening anyway.”