Total pages in book: 93
Estimated words: 85228 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85228 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
My foot is shaking, barely keeping pressure on the gas as I pull out of the complex and head toward home.
I have felt a lot of things since that night on my porch, and more than once, I questioned my sanity for not stopping it, but I never felt used and cast aside until now.
I had felt powerful and in control of my life for how things happened, for the way he let me take the reins.
With one simple dip of his head, ignoring me, it put a disgusting twist on every emotion I felt that night, and maybe I gave him too much power by thinking he did those things because it was what I needed. Maybe I handled the situation wrong or differently than what he expected.
I feel sick to my stomach as I brake for the first stop sign not far from the grouping of cabins, and by the time I make it home, I fully regret ever laying eyes on that man, much less giving him access to my body.
Chapter 14
Jersey
I shouldn't care about what's happening in front of me right now.
The sight of other people running their hands over her bare skin shouldn't make me want to put people in the ground, but here we are.
I'm back at Catalyst, and this time, there's no direct order to be here. This isn't work.
I'd hoped that coming here would keep me from going to her house and sitting outside. I'd hoped that she'd be mad enough for the way I acted earlier that she'd never come here again.
But I was wrong.
She doesn't care about her safety, and that's more than a little evident by the way she's once again strapped to that fucking cross.
This time, her eyes located me, and she turned them away. She isn't squeezing them shut like she normally would. Her hands are clenched into fists, but she's glaring off into the distance, proving that she knows I'm here and isn't looking at me.
The sight of it, the lack of her attention, makes my skin crawl. It makes me want to go to her, pinch her jaw, and demand that she look in only my direction.
I can't do that, however. That would be breaking the rules.
The indifference in the way her jaw is locked makes me want to throw a temper tantrum like a toddler not getting their way, and I know that says more about me than it does her.
If I were a regular guy with an everyday life and a normal history, it wouldn't matter as much. If I were different, if I were capable of caring for someone, this would be an entirely different situation. I could make her mine. I could promise her the world and give her whatever it is she thinks she's going to find in a place like this.
But I'm not normal. My past proves that any life I build will only be destroyed. Being linked to me only leads to tragedy, and it would be wholly unfair to drag someone else through the devastation.
Knowing all of this doesn't make things any easier for me. I can tell myself that I shouldn't even look in her direction, but I find it impossible to look away.
I know what my attraction to her means, and that alone should be enough of a red flag to stay miles away, but what does it mean for Eli?
If my past proves that I always pick the wrong person, that for some reason I'm only attracted to women who will do nothing but cause me heartache, what damage will she do to Eli?
The sane side of me knows better. I know I had bad luck with one person, but the fallout from her betrayal and her promise to stay safe destroyed every good part of me, and I can't trust any attraction I have going forward.
Things would be much simpler if I had never laid eyes on Caitlyn Rudd.
I can tick off the list of things I never should've done, but hindsight is always clearer, and there's nothing I can do about my actions in the past. All I can do is make the right choices going forward, and I know it's best for everyone if I keep my distance.
Maybe I'll be able to start tomorrow because I find it impossible to look away from her right now.
I lift my glass, my second and last of the night, and drain it, wishing they served something much stronger than whiskey. A lobotomy sounds good right about now.
However, good intentions mean nothing if there's no action behind them, and the sight of the other man circling her like she's prey makes me want to beat his fucking head in. Something I'm sure would get me extricated from the club. That, in turn, would cause problems with Cerberus because we're still doing our best to figure out if there's anything illegal going on here at Catalyst.