Total pages in book: 153
Estimated words: 152064 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 760(@200wpm)___ 608(@250wpm)___ 507(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 152064 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 760(@200wpm)___ 608(@250wpm)___ 507(@300wpm)
I’m aware that this has been a problem for her, in part because of her father and her university friend group. Not to mention the fact that she hangs out with all of us. I’ve spent years watching out for her, she’s become a friend, someone I enjoy being around. “Talls, I—”
She cuts me off. “I want my first time to be good, something to remember because I enjoyed it.”
I open my mouth to say something wise, something other than, “Let’s have this conversation at my place, in my bed.”
But Tally pushes on, her face growing redder with every word that tumbles from her soft, plush lips that I will not imagine kissing. Ever. “We’re friends, right?”
“Yeah, we’re friends, b—”
“Exactly,” she cuts me off again. “We’ve been friends for a long time. You take care of people. It’s what you do. You would take care of me. I want to have sex with someone who actually cares about me. You’ll know exactly how to make me feel good.” Her voice drops to a sultry whisper. “I mean, you might even make me come.”
The gut punch is swift and damning in so many ways. And the unexpectedly vicious ache in my chest makes it hard to swallow. My past steamrolls me with ruthless, yet entirely deserved force. She doesn’t want me. She wants my experience. Will I never get out from under the reputation I’ve built for myself?
Her fingers move to her lips, and her tone shifts, bordering on desperate as she steps closer, tipping her head up, eyes wide and imploring. “Please, Flip.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat, hating that for a moment I allowed myself to see her as something she can never be. “Your first time should be with someone you trust—”
Before I can continue, she makes a fresh slice on my already scarred heart. “I do trust you. No one would have to know. It could be our secret,” she says. “It probably has to be because of my dad, and our friends, and I wouldn’t want to make it weird. But I know you. I’d be safe with you. And you can even teach me—whatever tricks you think I should know so I can make you feel good, too.”
If ever there was a time I wanted to erase my past, it’s now. The damage my ex, Fiona, did turned me into something I never wanted to be. But here I am. That Tally views me this way is just…devastating. It’s one thing for her to want this from me because I mean something to her, because she cares about me and she knows I care about her, too. But to ask because of my extensive history as a fuckboy… It hurts in ways I didn’t anticipate.
Maybe because I knew she had a crush and I thought it had progressed beyond the infatuation.
Tallulah Vander Zee is the dream I’ve never dared to let myself have.
My voice is thick and guttural, but my tone is firm, with no room for argument. “Your first time should be with some who loves you, and who you love back, Tally. And I can’t be that guy.” I’ve spent the last decade hiding from love, fearing what could happen if I let someone in again. Tally deserves someone who isn’t jaded and broken.
Her shoulders slump, and her eyes dart away for a moment. When they return to mine, they’re full of frustration, defiance, and the same hurt I feel. It’s like someone reached inside my chest and punctured my heart with a hundred poison-tipped knives. “Please, Flip. It’s just this one favor I need help with.”
I recoil, and then strike back. “You’re not asking me to hang a picture.” My teeth grind together. “You only get to have this experience once, with one person, and they can never give it back to you. It’s supposed to be special.”
“But we’ve known each other for years.” Her voice wavers, another stab to my heart. “You would make it special.”
I shake my head, desperate to erase the forbidden images trying to form in my mind. In another world, where I wasn’t such a mess of a human, I would be so good to her. But it would change everything, ruin our friendship in ways she doesn’t understand. Our friends would be appalled. I would never forgive myself. “I can’t.” I care about you. I can’t take something special that I haven’t earned.
How awful would I feel when she realized down the line that she’d given a precious part of herself to someone who for years had drowned in pleasure to avoid connection? Even if I could give her what she needs, it would be a huge emotional step backwards for me. “You’re… I can’t do that.”
Her eyes fill with tears, and her chin wobbles. “Anyone but me, right?”