Total pages in book: 121
Estimated words: 115308 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 577(@200wpm)___ 461(@250wpm)___ 384(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 115308 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 577(@200wpm)___ 461(@250wpm)___ 384(@300wpm)
“No, you cannot.”
“Anyway,” I said, attempting to get serious again, “I’ve experienced that. But this feels different. I’m not worried for me, but I’m worried for you. I don’t want any of this messing with your head.”
“I’ve already decided to come off socials while we’re doing this.”
“That’s probably a good idea.” I studied her thoughtfully. “Is there anything else bothering you about it?”
Maia pursed her lips. “I’m terrified we’ll get caught in the lie and both suffer the consequences of that. I feel guilty for lying.”
“No one can prove this is a lie, Maia. No one is going to find out. And we feel guilty because we’re not arseholes.” Anyway, hopefully soon, it would not be a lie.
She gave me a grateful smile and then sighed. “I guess the only other thing I’m worried about is it affecting my family. That’s it, really. Nothing else.”
I wondered if she was lying to herself or if she just didn’t want to talk to me.
My therapist’s way of getting me to open up was to share something vulnerable about herself. Borrowing a page from her book, I confessed, “I sometimes wonder if my dad is out there, watching videos of me, watching my games. Or if he deliberately avoids them. Or worse, if he doesn’t even know it’s me.”
Her eyes widened and then she unlocked the protective cage of her arms and shimmied along the couch to place a comforting hand on my knee. “Bear. I … I know it’s not quite the same, but I get it.”
“It is the same, Maia. We both have a parent who abandoned us.”
Maia’s eyes brightened with tears. “People … they keep trying to tell me that my mum didn’t choose because her addiction is a disease … and rationally, I know they’re right. But irrationally, it hurts that she didn’t fight her addiction for me. That she let me go instead. And I feel like a hypocrite for feeling that way because I didn’t fight for her. I left. I chose myself too.”
“You’re allowed to feel like your mum didn’t choose you.” I threaded our fingers together and squeezed. “No one can tell you how you feel. You feel like she abandoned you. That’s the end of the sentence. There are no ‘buts.’ And I choose to disagree with you that you left her. You were fifteen, Maia. From what you’ve told me, you were a child forced to be a parent, and you decided to find the one parent who would look after you instead. I think what you did was brave.”
Her hold on my hand tightened. “Thank you. And about your dad. I … I think deep down, there’s a part of me that’s scared Mum will see this and she’ll show up. As guilty as I feel about leaving her … I don’t want that, Bear.”
“Not at all?”
She shook her head. “There’s too much damage. The thought of her in my life terrifies me.”
Now I held on tighter. “Then she will never be in your life again. I promise you that. As long as I’m around, she will never get near you.”
Maia gave me a sad smile and then moved closer, dropping her head to my shoulder, cuddling in. “I’m sorry about your dad, Bear. I’m sorry he’s in the back of your mind too.”
“Aye, me too. I don’t ever want to meet him. Genuinely. And so I worry that he’ll make an approach because of this.”
“He won’t get past me,” she whispered, a fierceness in her tone.
I smiled before I pressed a quick kiss to the top of her head. “At least we’ve got each other.”
At that, Maia snuggled in even more, her knees touching mine. I reached for the remote to restart the show, satisfied I’d made a small breakthrough with My tonight.
When she fell asleep, I discovered when Maia was out, she was out. Not once did she wake up as I lifted and carried her into her bedroom. I laid her down on the bed and gently extricated the holder from her hair so the silky dark strands spilled freely across her pillow. Not once while I did this or when I untucked the duvet to cover her up did she wake. Or when I took her glasses off and set them on her bedside table. I put her phone on charge and held the camera up to her face to unlock it just so I could make sure her alarm was set.
Maia didn’t even blink.
And she snored quietly.
I stared down at her, wishing like hell I could get in beside her. Wishing like hell it was my right, my place in her life to get in the bed and spoon with her. I fucking loved spooning, but girls tended to take spooning to mean something it wasn’t, so I’d stopped doing it.