Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83085 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 415(@200wpm)___ 332(@250wpm)___ 277(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83085 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 415(@200wpm)___ 332(@250wpm)___ 277(@300wpm)
“The thing is,” I continued, “how I feel about him, what I said, it’s all tangled up in all these confusing thoughts. I never thought I’d get this, that a relationship was in the cards for me, and maybe it’s not, but I didn’t think love was in the cards for me either. Like I said, I always thought I wasn’t built that way. I wasn’t into sex the way most people were, and I’d never fallen for anyone. I didn’t think I could feel desire or romantic love, but then I wanted him. I tried with someone else before him, and it didn’t work.”
“You did?”
“Yeah, it was stupid. Met a guy on an app. Didn’t realize until he left that he looked like Josh.”
“Did you have sex with him? My mind is so blown right now.”
“Nah. Kissed, but I didn’t feel it—the spark.”
“You feel it with Josh, though.”
I nodded in confirmation. “It’s weird, spending your life feeling different from everyone around you and not understanding why or how. You helped when you gave me those terms, but I still didn’t know who I was. Don’t know if I do now. Am I demisexual? I guess. But maybe I’m not, and I don’t know that it really matters. The only thing that does, for me at least, is how I feel. So yeah, that’s all wrapped up in my feelings about Josh and the way I blurted the words out like that. It’s like I’m still the odd one out, ya know? That guy who can’t do a fling right.”
“Hey. Stop.” Kellan put his hand on my arm. “Those are all just labels. Some people need them, that’s true, but…you say you don’t know who you are, but you do. It’s not made up only of who you want to have sex with or if you want to have sex with anyone at all. And it’s also not made up only of who you love, or if you have a relationship, or when you tell someone you love them. You’re the most honest man I’ve ever known, Griff. Don’t look at that as a bad thing. There’s no one in this world with a bigger heart than you. That’s not a bad thing either. You’re real and layered and human. There are no rules to who we are and how we love. We just do what works right for us, and you did. If Josh can’t see that, it’s on him. And I say that as someone who loves Josh, who will always love Josh, but you deserve to be loved, Griff. You deserve to be loved.”
The truth was, I thought Josh wanted to love me. Maybe part of him did, but he didn’t love me enough to let go of Doug. At least not yet. Did I even have the right to expect that? Regardless, I wanted it.
“Thank you.” I took a sip of the coffee he’d brought before setting it down. “You know…our whole lives, you believed I thought you needed me. That’s never been the truth of it. Really, I always needed you. I didn’t show it in the best way, but I did. I needed you so I didn’t have to think about my own shit. I needed you because there is no one in the world I respect more than you—my little brother. You’ve always been so damn strong, so independent, so you, no matter what. And you weren’t ever afraid to love with your whole heart, even if that meant you might get hurt. I envy that.”
Looking over, I saw Kellan swipe at the tears leaking from his eyes, but they kept coming. We both stood and hugged each other, Kellan cutting open his heart the way he so freely did.
“You telling Josh you love him? That was you doing the same thing I would have done. That was you loving with your whole heart and not being afraid. If you respect that in me, you need to respect it in yourself too.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Kellan confirmed.
We sat down and finished our coffee. Then we went inside and made breakfast together. We hadn’t done something like this in so long, cooking and sitting down to eat this way. It reminded me of when we were young. Soon he’d be married, then have a baby on the way.
He was all grown up.
Kellan had moved on. Not from me, it didn’t work that way, but to the next chapter of his life. Damned if I didn’t want that too, if I didn’t want it with Josh. I wasn’t sure about the marriage and the baby part of it, but I was sure about giving your heart to someone and them giving theirs back. Starting a life together. I was so damn tired of being alone.
Kellan stayed with me for a few hours. When I yawned, he said, “You should get some sleep. I can stay while you do.”