Total pages in book: 103
Estimated words: 95906 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 480(@200wpm)___ 384(@250wpm)___ 320(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 95906 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 480(@200wpm)___ 384(@250wpm)___ 320(@300wpm)
Micah shuddered. I tightened my arm around him. “When did he turn physically abusive?”
“When I was ten. I made the mistake of suggesting he try getting out of bed and using the wheelchair the state had provided. He grabbed me by the throat and accused me of calling him half a man…” Micah murmured, then he just shook his head. I knew there was more, but he clearly didn’t want to malign his brother’s memory.
“Trauma changes people, sweetheart,” I said.
“It didn’t change you.”
His statement caught me off guard. “What?”
Micah pulled away enough that he could face me. “Something terrible happened to you but you’re still kind and gentle and you put other people first—”
His words had me practically jumping off the log. The move clearly startled him, but I couldn’t help it. My insides were churning so bad I felt like I was going to be sick. I couldn’t respond because it felt like my throat had closed up tight.
Micah carefully stood up. He looked… determined.
“I know you still hurt, Con. I know what that monster did to you makes you feel out of control, even to this day. I know you’re so angry inside that you think that’s who you really are and that it’s all you can do to keep that darkness where it belongs. You have to hide it, you have to pretend it doesn’t fucking hurt anymore. You have to work every second of every day not to scream at anyone who will listen that you can still feel him pressing you against that wall, you can still hear his voice in your head every time you shut your eyes, you still ache with the shame of feeling like you should have done something… anything.”
I wanted to tell him he was wrong. That he didn’t know me. Not really. I began to shake my head as I prepared to do just that but then he was closing the distance between us and fisting his hands in the material of my shirt.
“I lied, Con,” he murmured. For once, he pinned me with his gaze instead of dropping his eyes like he normally did.
“What happened to me wasn’t your fault. That money you kept sending saved us… me. And being able to blame you for everything made it easier for me to get through each day. I didn’t allow myself to look in that mirror because I didn’t want to see the truth.” Micah’s words got caught on a sob.
“Micah—”
“No, let me finish,” he interjected. He released his hold on me only long enough to wipe at his eyes. “What Ricky did to me would have happened no matter what. The only thing that kept me from turning into a junkie like Clara was the kids. The money you sent… it kept us together. I know that doesn’t make sense but it’s the truth. Once I figured out how to manipulate Ricky using that money, I was able to give Christopher and Rory what they needed to have a semi-normal life. I know it makes me a selfish asshole, but I couldn’t lose them. I just couldn’t. They were all I had.”
“It doesn’t make you selfish, Micah,” I said softly.
But Micah merely shook his head and said, “A few years after Brady got hurt, he had a stroke. It left him unable to speak or move. Ricky didn’t want to lose the disability checks we were getting from the state, so I took care of Brady. When your checks started coming, I knew you were the one sending them, but no one else did. They were small at first—”
“I’m sorry, it was all I could afford—”
Micah let out a soft laugh and then he lifted his eyes. “God, Con, you don’t even see it, do you?” he whispered.
“See what?” I asked in confusion.
But Micah didn’t respond. Instead, he pulled in a breath and this time he held my gaze as he continued with, “They were small at first but then every couple months, they’d get bigger. It took me a while to figure it out but I finally realized every time you won a fight and your career jumped to the next level, the checks got bigger. Ricky and them just figured they were some kind of supplement to the disability. As I got older, I was able to intercept the checks and cash them myself. I was able to skim enough money off the top to pay for stuff for me and the kids as well as most of the bills. When Ricky and Clara would run out of cash, I’d conveniently ‘find’ some that they’d ‘forgotten’ about. Sometimes Ricky would catch me and he’d take the money I’d been hiding and there would be hell to pay but it wasn’t all the time…”
I knew what hell he was talking about and it made me want to throw up. “I should have come to check on you. I should have—”