Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 88220 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88220 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
Call it undealt-with baggage from our past or maybe straight-up selfishness, but I lived on a tightrope of Beau’s expectations. I balanced his demands while trying to be a super-parent and provider.
I had never aspired to be a circus performer.
This time, I couldn’t shake it. About once a year, I allowed myself to have an emotion that Beau didn’t control. It generally started a disagreement, but this time, I wanted to stand up for myself. I stared at my little guy in the eyes.
“Wish me luck,” I murmured. I stuck his pacifier in his mouth, which made him ridiculously happy, and shut his door securely closed. The barrier between Beau and I was gone, and I barely acknowledged him.
“Get in the car. I don’t want to embarrass us anymore than you already have,” I said with petty disdain and rounded the back of the Tahoe toward the driver’s door.
“I don’t want to argue in front of West,” Beau called, causing my eyes to dramatically roll. When I lifted on the side step, I glanced at Beau and his defiant position.
“Then don’t.” That was good enough. I dropped down on the seat, shutting my door firmly, and started the engine. We had at least fifteen minutes left before we had to be across the street at Livie’s dance school.
Stubbornness, something Beau did exceptionally well, had him taking a few minutes before hoisting his body inside. His door wasn’t fully shut before I voiced my thoughts in a calm, reasonable tone. “Give me hell about anything. You’re ridiculously talented at that. But don’t ever say to me again that I’m trying to free myself of you. You’ve put me through too much over the years to say those words idly.”
Remarkably, all the bad language on the tip of my tongue, managed to stay unsaid, and I reached over to press the radio button with the children’s song to keep the conversation from West.
“That’s absurd,” I stated with finality. “I’m regularly on the wrong end of your decision making.” Beau waved his hand dismissively. “I’ve always prioritized you above everything else. You can’t say the same thing. I spent the majority of my twenties virtually alone, waiting for you to remember me and your commitments to me.”
“Am I destined to be reminded of my epic failures for the rest of my life?” I shot back, my voice not much higher than a low sizzle from my crushing anger. My grip tightened around the steering wheel, my heart thumped violently against my rib cage. He was pissing me off. “You’ve always been the one who tosses me aside without a second thought. You literally came to my office one time, jumped to crazy conclusions, and put me on notice. The very next thing you did was leave me. We never have a discussion on anything, that’s why I don’t try anymore. It’s only you jumping ahead and deciding what’s best for all of us. It’s not right, Beau. I’ve always wanted this to be a me and you thing. Something we accomplished together. I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, but I know you’re the love of my life...”
“This has nothing to do with that. We committed to a certain way of raisin’ our children.” His hand popped out, palm upward, suggesting something obvious, meaning what? Who knew? I was tired of trying to figure him out. “Why do you always go to the past instead of dealin’ with the life happenin’ right now?”
I dropped my forehead to the steering wheel, thumping it several times. He wasn’t wrong, but his callousness toward my feelings triggered me.
“Look, I spoke out of turn,” Beau continued, that hand still stuck out, now turned toward me. “I understand you didn’t buy me the climb to get rid of me. It was a thoughtful birthday gift, but this argument that we’re actually havin’ has been brewin’ for a while. We’re no longer aligned in the biggest responsibility of our lives. What we’re doin’ matters. We have to get it right because our fathers didn’t. Hell, we technically shouldn’t have even been able to have babies.”
In my peripheral vision, I caught the moment when he turned, facing forward again. That hand tucked back inside his crossed arms.
“And I didn’t know you were still twisted about the past,” Beau added. “I’m sorry I hurt you, but I did what I had to do because I became a borin’ afterthought for you. If I hadn’t had stood up for myself, we wouldn’t be right here, right now. I’ll be more careful with my words, but you know that you’re the only person I’ve ever been with either emotionally or physically. You can’t say the same thing. You detached from me for years before I finally left you.”
Fireworks suddenly erupted inside my head. “Jesus, Beau. Chandler—”