Total pages in book: 166
Estimated words: 160356 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 802(@200wpm)___ 641(@250wpm)___ 535(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 160356 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 802(@200wpm)___ 641(@250wpm)___ 535(@300wpm)
Hot water hits my skin when he walks me in, but it doesn’t warm me like Dec can. Taking a sponge, he soaks it under the spray and turns me away from him, dragging it across my back. There’s not one inch of my body he doesn’t clean. Not one hair on my head he doesn’t comb his fingers through, shampooing, rinsing, and brushing conditioner through the lengths. When he’s on his knees before me, I look down at him washing my thighs, his concentration intense, his well-honed body glistening under the drops of water coating him, his hair saturated. I know he won’t escalate this. Whether he thinks it’s inappropriate to or not, I don’t know. I sense he just wants to take care of me. I hate that I feel like I need taking care of. I hate that I’m fragile, because I don’t want to be a burden. Dec doesn’t need someone else to look after.
I drop to my knees to join him, and he lifts his gaze to mine. I hate the sadness I see in his usually glittery eyes. Eyes that are now dull. “Today was the best day and worst all rolled into one,” I admit quietly, my voice not broken but definitely cracking. Two emotions—happiness and sadness—swaying like a pendulum. Both catching me off guard when one would creep up and dilute the other. “I think you’re brilliant.” I cup his face with both hands, holding it firmly, making him see. “I think Albi’s brilliant.”
“I feel like there’s a but coming, and I really don’t want to hear it.”
“But I’m even more scared now because I’ve fallen in love with him even faster than I fell in love with you.”
His lips part, his eyes darting across my face. “You’re not replacing Noah,” he whispers. “To love another child would never mean that.”
“I know. But it doesn’t stop the guilt. Or the reminders. Or the heartache.”
“I need you, Camryn. Not for Albi. I need you for me. You’ve filled a part of me I didn’t know was empty. I went to the bar that night to kill time. April took Albi to the pantomime, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’m irrevocably his, but I don’t want to hold him back. I don’t want him to be scared to leave me. I want him to experience life. Travel. Explore the world, become utter greatness. Be successful, fulfilled, a good father. By being what my father isn’t, I could hold him back, and I don’t want that. But most of all, I don’t want him to be afraid of falling in love. I want him to look at me when he's older and know I’m okay. Not lonely. I was so fucking lonely, Camryn. I know it’s terrifying, but I want you to stay. I need you to stay. Please stay. For me.”
I take his face in my hands, overwhelmed by the amazing man before me.
“You’ll never lose me, I promise you,” he whispers.
My lip quivers. “I love you both.”
His smile is small but fucking huge, and he stands us up, flipping the shower off before pulling a white towel off the heated rail and drying us. He leads me to the bed and gets us beneath the duvet, pulling me onto his chest, holding me there.
“I love you both too,” he whispers.
I fall asleep in his arms, his heart beating strongly under my ear.
And I feel mine pounding in reply.
Life.
December 21st
When my eyes open, I’m curled up on my side, my back to the edge of the bed, the duvet covering my naked body, expecting to see Dec. I don’t. I see Albi. Asleep.
He’s splayed on his back between us on top of the sheets, legs akimbo, his arms above his head on the pillow. “Oh,” I breathe, naturally checking the sheets are covering me. Inevitably, memories stampede through my mind mercilessly, the many mornings I woke up and found Noah had crept into bed with us. My eyes instinctively squeeze shut, trying to push them back. But why? Why am I pushing them back?
Relenting to the power of them, I allow the memories to invade me, inhaling as if I can smell him close to me. My smile is sad, and my chest tight, and yet the visions keep coming.
And I allow them.
I peel my eyes open and lift my head off the pillow a little so I can see Dec. He’s in the exact same position as his boy. They both snore softly, both their lips parted. It’s a quiet, peaceful moment, despite the heaviness of it. Precious. It’s something I never appreciated when I had Noah. This simple thing. I don’t know how long I stay still and quiet watching them, wondering if Dec realises just how precious this is.