Total pages in book: 111
Estimated words: 105748 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 529(@200wpm)___ 423(@250wpm)___ 352(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 105748 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 529(@200wpm)___ 423(@250wpm)___ 352(@300wpm)
“No, Quinn … I … I was the one pushing you away. I think part of me never got over losing Dad, and I started to realize that you were someone I could lose and it scared me, so I pushed you away. Illogical and irrational, but looking back, I think that’s what happened.”
“Even if that’s true, I should have fought harder. I let my inability to talk about my fucking feelings ruin everything between us.” He stepped toward me, his expression almost pleading. “I was so convinced of what I had to do that it didn’t even occur to me that it wasn’t the getting Kiera pregnant part that hurt you most—it was my decision to marry her. I somehow thought you must know how much my dad taking off really affected me and that you’d understand that part.”
I shook my head in confusion. “What do you mean?” I asked.
“I never spoke about him, did I?” He crossed his arms over his chest defensively, mirroring my body language. “Other than that day here on the beach when we were kids, I never mentioned him again until Kiera fell pregnant. So, what you didn’t know, Taran, was that the anger inside me at his leaving never went away. Watching my mum struggle to make ends meet because he’d left us … those feelings, those experiences made me who I am. If it hadn’t been for the community here, we would never have survived. That’s how little we had.”
“I … I didn’t know that.”
Quinn shrugged. “We were proud. We didn’t talk about it. But before Mum met Greg, neighbors, including your mum, would bring us food packages, drop off clothes for school, and sometimes even make sure our electricity stayed on. All because Dad left us in the shit.”
How had I not known that?
“That experience left such a mark that it blinkered me. Gave me tunnel vision. Because as soon as Kiera told me she was pregnant, I believed to my core that I would be just as bad as my father if I didn’t try to make it work with her for the sake of our child. I couldn’t see past it, Taran. I let that fear of failing like he failed me become bigger than everything.” His blue eyes turned glassy with emotion. “Even bigger than you and me.” Quinn let out a raspy exhale. “And I will regret it until the day I die.”
My tears spilled free and I swiped at them frantically, wiping them from my cheeks and chin. Looking at him only made the pain worse, so I turned to stare out at the sea and the curving coastline.
“It took time, but I began to realize I’d made a terrible mistake for all our sakes. That I didn’t have to marry Kiera to be a good father. But by then, it was too late.”
Silence fell between us and I could feel him studying my profile as I tried to gather my emotions.
“Taran … don’t you think it still hurts us both for a reason?”
Anger flashed through me as I whipped my head back toward him. “Of course. Why do you think I resent you so much?”
He gritted his teeth. “Do you … can you not at least try to understand where my head was at? We were both so young. We were just kids. Our frontal lobes weren’t fully developed yet. Big mistakes were made, but we’ve both grown up since then.”
Rationally, I knew he was right. We were just kids back then. “I do understand that. I also understand fear and how terrible it can be and how it can change the course of our lives. But what I don’t understand is why Kiera?” I glared at him with every ounce of betrayal I felt. “You promised me for years that I had nothing to worry about with Kiera and her crush on you … and you fucked her the first chance you got.”
Ire flared in his eyes. “You know it wasn’t like that.”
“Why her, then?” My voice rose over the breeze that grew stronger by the minute.
Quinn stepped closer, our faces inches apart now. “I told you the truth back then. I cannot remember a thing from that night. I’d lost the love of my fucking life, Taran, because I’d convinced myself that you didn’t love me anymore, that I couldn’t be what you needed anymore. I just wanted the pain to stop.” He gripped me by the biceps, ducking his head to mine so I had no choice but to be locked in his anguished gaze. “I was in so much pain after losing you that I just wanted a blackout, so I drank and drank. Kiera … when we decided to divorce, she told me that she got as blackout drunk as I had that night to gather some Dutch courage to approach me. It happened without either of our consent because we were too shit-faced to know what we were doing. And that’s fucking tragic, Taran.” He gave me a wee shake. “Except for Heather as a consequence, the whole thing is fucking tragic for us all.”