Total pages in book: 117
Estimated words: 115683 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 578(@200wpm)___ 463(@250wpm)___ 386(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 115683 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 578(@200wpm)___ 463(@250wpm)___ 386(@300wpm)
He picks up his whiskey. “Ah. So once you flew the nest, she realized just how much she relied on you and probably missed you like crazy. And you probably realized how you felt so much freer because you weren’t taking care of her and everyone else anymore.”
I let out a chuckle. “Since when are you an expert in firstborn problems?”
“Literally since the day I was born.” He taps his glass to mine. “To this being a firstborn safe space. May we learn to not be so hard on ourselves, together.”
Goddamn you, cowboy. I like you. So much.
“I’ll toast to that,” I manage. “How do we learn said lesson?”
“Sex helps. Or so I hear. And actually talking about shit with someone who pushes you a little. Or a lot.”
His eyes look crystal clear, the gray-green flecks in his irises refracting the light of the candles in a way that makes them shimmer.
“I wanna forgive Billie,” he says. “But I don’t know how. Can you push me to do that?”
My heart floats as I laugh. I love when he confides in me. Tells me what he’s thinking. Feeling.
What he wants.
“You said you were jealous,” I reply after a beat. “I wonder—I mean, if you’re anything like me, you’re constantly telling yourself no. No, you can’t do this. No, you can’t have that, because it’s too much to ask for. Billie said yes to Ryder—to love—and I think that really hurt you. Not only because they snuck around behind your back but because you feel like you’re not allowed to have what she has.”
He looks down at his glass, swirling the liquid. “You’re not wrong.”
“So say yes yourself more often. Even when it seems impossible or stupid or selfish. Easier said than done for a single dad—”
“Well, yeah.”
“But it’s hard to be happy for people when you’re not happy yourself. I see that in my mom. Saying yes more often—I think that’s an important component of being happy.”
He looks up. His gaze is piercing. “You’re good at this. Listening. Giving advice.” He grins. “Testing limits.”
I grin right back. “I’m kinda proud of the fact that I can test the limits of a real cowboy. Y’all live on the edge.”
“We’re badass. But you gotta give yourself more credit.”
You gotta stop being so fucking wonderful.
Sipping his whiskey, he sets down the glass. “Speaking of, is your mom doing any better?”
“Yes and no. I’m not sure she’s any happier, but I think she’s gotten to a level of acceptance that makes her life tolerable.”
Colton looks away. “Is loving your life a ridiculous ask of the universe, though? Like, is it even possible? I like your idea of saying yes to more shit, but…”
I love how open he is tonight. So easy to talk to. Not about bullshit but about real things. Things I think about often but never really talk through.
“I hope it’s not a ridiculous ask,” I reply. “Did you love your life? Before—”
“My wife died?” He runs a hand over his face. “I thought I did. I wanted to. But in retrospect, I’m not so sure.”
“Oh. Wow. Interesting.”
He pulls his brows together. “This is not exactly scintillating first-date material, this story.”
“Who cares? You already know you’re getting laid.”
“I am?”
I elbow him. “Tell me. Only if you want to, of course. But I’m down to listen.”
“All right.” He falls back against the booth, taking another sip of whiskey. “Abby and I met freshman year of high school. We dated for a while. She was my first everything, you know? We were crazy about each other. Or I was crazy about her at least. I asked her to marry me the day we graduated.”
I nod. “Y’all started young.”
“Too young. But we didn’t know any better, because that’s what our parents did, and their parents before them. We waited awhile to have Dean, though. She wasn’t sure she was ready to have a baby.”
“But you were?”
He lifts a massive shoulder. “I always knew I wanted to be a daddy. I was head over heels in love with Abby, and I’d just been promoted to foreman. Figured there was no better time to start a family.”
My heart squeezes. A literal squeeze that has me feeling short of breath. The more I hang out with Colton, the more I realize that his grumpy asshole exterior is exactly that—an exterior, a protective shell.
He’s actually, shockingly, a bit of a teddy bear inside.
I keep my hand on his knee. “That’s sweet. I admire you for knowing what you wanted so early. I still don’t know if I want kids.”
“I won’t try to sway you one way or the other. Yes, Dean is absolutely the best thing I ever did, but he’s also the hardest thing.”
“I like that you can be real about parenting. It looks incredibly tough, but there’s all this messaging about how magical it is and how my life will be pointless if I don’t have kids.”