Series: Cobalt Empire Series by Krista Ritchie
Total pages in book: 234
Estimated words: 226965 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1135(@200wpm)___ 908(@250wpm)___ 757(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 226965 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1135(@200wpm)___ 908(@250wpm)___ 757(@300wpm)
I stand up too.
He stops in place.
Pain envelops me, just seeing his and knowing I’m the origin. “I just wanted to protect you,” I tell him.
“I am not one step away from self-destruction.” He points at himself with the beer bottle. When he sees me glancing at the alcohol, he lets out a dying laugh. “Jesus Christ.”
“Xander—”
“You look at me, Ben, like I’m still that thirteen-year-old that you found…” His voice tapers out. He’s unblinking.
I’m unblinking.
It hurts to breathe as we both see the memory in front of us. Christmas at the lake house. The night of his thirteenth birthday. One or two a.m. I needed to piss, and I slipped off the top bunk, not realizing Xander wasn’t on the bottom.
I went into our bathroom. Flicked on the lights. I saw blood, him, the bathtub, and a razor in his fingers. He was cutting the top of his thighs.
I was only thirteen too, and I got the blade out of his hand, watched him slump down into the tub in anguish I wished I could take away, and he just kept crying and pleading, “Don’t tell anyone. Don’t. Please, Ben.”
When Xander was around eleven, twelve his depression had taken an all-time low. It wasn’t a secret to our families that he wasn’t doing well.
I helped him out of the tub. “We can just sit for a sec. I’ll get bandages.” I got him to calm down, and we sat on the floor while I peeled off Band-Aids and he stuck them on his cuts.
He was blinking through streaming tears. “You can go. I’m making your night worse, maybe your life…I don’t know.”
“It’s not worse.” I caught his drifting gaze. “Honestly, I’d rather sit on this bathroom floor with you for a billion years than not have you in this world at all.” His chin quaked, and I added, “I bet it’d get pretty crammed in here because all our families would feel the same too.”
Xander nodded a bunch.
I nodded back and asked, “You think Eliot would stand on the sink?”
He choked out a weak laugh. “And recite some weird soliloquy.” Then he wiped his runny nose. It took him a while to speak again, but he whispered out, “Thanks, Ben.”
I didn’t tell anyone what happened. In a way, I thought he’d trust me more. I thought we’d grow closer. I thought if he hit another low, I’d be someone he’d go to, but he’s right that I started treating him like he was always in harm’s reach.
Gone were the simple times of penis Etch A Sketch drawings. Things got real. I did not want to lose my cousin to anything.
I’m still naturally searching for the bubble-wrap when he’s around.
Harriet casts tense glances between us. “Ben found you where…?”
I’m floored when Xander admits, “Cutting. I was cutting myself in the bathroom.” He’s only looking at me.
“Oh,” she murmurs.
I take a breath. “Maybe I should’ve told someone what happened.”
His brows scrunch in confusion. “Why?”
I lift my stiff shoulders. “Because after that I felt responsible—like if anything bad happened to you, it’d be because of me. Because I didn’t tell your parents. I didn’t even tell Moffy…and you know how badly I wanted to run to him that night?” I shift my weight. “You have one of the best brothers in the world. Back then, I would’ve given a left kidney to switch him with Charlie.”
“Back then? Not now?”
“I don’t know what’s happening, but Charlie hasn’t been that horrible.” I don’t mention how he gave me a heads up about the Board Game Club tonight, and how he told Harriet he doesn’t hate me. The latter still feels unreal.
Xander loosely fists the neck of the beer. “You know if you ran to Moffy, there is no chance he would’ve kept it a secret. He would’ve told our parents.”
“Yeah, he would’ve done the right thing.” I hear my voice rising. “Everyone would’ve, except for me.”
“You were thirteen too,” Xander defends me. “If anything happened to me, it would’ve never been your fault. If anything does now, it won’t be either.” He motions to my water bottle. “Is there holy water in there? Because you’re absolved. Spritz it on yourself or whatever.”
It won’t be my fault.
I let that ping around my brain, but it’s not helping me relax. Something feels wrong with me. I don’t know…I lift my gaze to his. “If it means anything, I don’t really see you as breakable as much as everything is breaking around me.” The door begins to creak open. Easton is here. “I should go.”
“Wait,” Xander calls out.
“See you in class.” I nod to him with a smile. “I am glad we did this.”
He nods uncertainly.
And I salute Harriet. “Fisher.” My chest is tight. I’m leaving her with Xander. Don’t do it. Don’t do it.
I want her at my side.