Total pages in book: 81
Estimated words: 75650 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75650 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
Me? I’m just a big fucking blur.
No matter how many times I tell myself that it doesn’t matter, that he’s alive, that all I ever wanted was for him to be alive and whole, I’m lying to myself. He is alive. He is whole. I am grateful. I’m just…miserable. I feel like I lost him.
The moment those rocks came down, I lost everything. I didn’t think I could feel worse than I did during those endless days wondering whether or not he would live, but back then, I had hope. I don’t even have that now.
I stroke Pacy’s brow as he nurses. It’s been eleven long days. Eleven long days since Pashov woke up, and fifteen days since the cave fell to pieces. For the first few days, I had hope that Pashov’s memory would come back. That he’d look at me, and recognition would dawn. That he’d grab my ass the way he always used to, and he’d be himself again. I kept that hope up for well over a week.
And then as each day passed, and he grew a little more distant, a little more uncomfortable each time I looked at him, I realized that I was hoping for too much. My mate is alive. My mate is healthy.
He’s just not my mate anymore, and I have to figure out how to go on without him. I won’t push him into a relationship—hell, a mating—when he doesn’t feel a thing for me. How can he? All of our memories are gone. Me crying over him just makes it worse.
So I’m avoiding him. I’m doing my best not to make him uncomfortable. Maybe it’s not the best way to handle it, but it’s the only way I can. I’ll break if he looks at me in that empty, polite way again.
“You lost your frying pan?” Josie asks me, aghast. “I thought you weren’t cooking because of…well, never mind.” The look on her face gets awkward.
I shrug and spread the leaves I’m trying to dry on a hot stone, then cover them with a second stone to flatten them. I don’t have a closed-in, windless spot to dry more spices, so I’m hoping that squishing them between two hot rocks will do some of the trick. Mostly I’m just guessing and trying to stay busy. “When the cave shook, I think I threw it into the fire by accident. And then after that…”
The knot forms in my throat again and I can’t speak. After that, my world was destroyed.
“Shit. I’m so sorry for bringing it up.” Josie grabs my hand and rubs it. The expression on her face is concerned. “What are you going to do?”
“There’s nothing to do.” One of the leaves is sticking out from between the rocks and I absently tuck it in—and then jerk my hand, my fingers burning. Ouch. Hot already.
“This is bullshit!” she whispers at me. “I can’t believe he’s acting like nothing happened! He should be here with you, Stacy! I can’t imagine what it’d feel like if I didn’t have Haeden right now! Aren’t you scared? We don’t have a home and food to eat for the winter!”
I know Josie’s trying to help. It’s the only reason I don’t take my hands and wrap them around her neck. She means well. She does. Her mouth just runs away with her. “I’m scared,” I admit. “I think we all are.”
“And you don’t even have your mate to lean on!” She’s outraged on my behalf. “Even right now, he’s over there hanging with Bek and the other hunters like you’re not here by the fire with his baby! What the ever-loving fuck already!”
“Shh,” I tell her, because she’s getting louder with her indignation. “Really, Josie, it’s all right.” I just feel defeated. Tired. I have for days. It feels like I haven’t relaxed or slept in weeks, though I know that isn’t true. And I just don’t have the energy for Josie’s outrage. “I chose to stay away from him, not the other way around.”
“You what? Why?”
Why? How can she sit here and ask me that? Because my heart is breaking every time I look at him? Because he should be relaxing and recovering, and me shoving myself and my baby under his nose and demanding that he remember us will be stressful? Not just to him but to me? “I just can’t right now, okay?”
From the look Josie gives me, it’s clear she doesn’t understand. How can she? Has anyone ever had to deal with their mate just not remembering them at all?
PASHOV
On the outskirts of the encampment, I tie sinew to a new spear-head and try to keep my head down. I can feel eyes on me, watching me, waiting to see how I react. To see if I fall over, clutching my head.