Total pages in book: 62
Estimated words: 59199 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 296(@200wpm)___ 237(@250wpm)___ 197(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 59199 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 296(@200wpm)___ 237(@250wpm)___ 197(@300wpm)
I flinch.
His thumb hooks beneath my jaw, gently holding my face so that I’m trapped in his tender hand.
“I understand if you don’t want to remember,” he says quietly.
The flashes from the gallery flicker over my mind again, and I shudder in pure revulsion.
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I just felt…trapped.”
“By your uncle?” That rough, gravelly tone again.
I look up at him, beseeching. “I don’t understand what’s happening.”
“Don’t you?” Dane prompts, gentler this time.
My heart gives a painful twist, as though it might tear asunder.
“Your nightmares,” he says. “You said there was a man who scared you. And there was a frightened child: you.”
“What are you saying?” I ask raggedly, even though I already know.
But I don’t want the knowledge. I want to forget.
Just like I’ve managed to forget for all these years.
But now, the memories are bubbling just beneath the surface of my conscious thoughts, threatening to spill over and taint the happy new life I’m building with Dane.
“You had a flashback,” he tells me. “Has that ever happened before?”
“No!” Alarm bursts through me. I don’t want this to be real.
Because if it is, all the horrors of my adult life are starting to make some sort of terrible sense. I can’t face it.
I thread my fingers through my hair, tugging at the delicate strands as though I can tear the memories from my brain.
Dane’s long fingers encircle my wrists and direct my hands away from my head before I can hurt myself.
“No.” This time, my refusal is a low groan.
His face is drawn in lines of anguish, as though my pain is his own. I can’t bear the sight of his suffering. My determination to spare him pain gives me the strength I need to draw in a ragged breath.
“Why do you think…” I swallow against another surge of nausea. “Have you always suspected?”
I can’t bring myself to put the crime against me into words. If I say it aloud, I’ll never be able to take it back. It’ll be irrevocably true, and I’m not ready to face that.
He shakes his head. “Only since you described your nightmare. But from what you told me about your debutante date and how you reacted to Ron’s assault, I drew a likely conclusion based on your freeze response. I just didn’t know who it was.”
His eyes glint with a lethal light, but I’m too bogged down in my trauma to think about my uncle’s potential murder.
“If you suspected, why didn’t you talk to me about it?”
“I didn’t want to force you to remember if you didn’t want to. I’d hoped you never would.” His thumb traces the taut slash of my lips. “I never wanted to cause you this pain.”
“If this is true…” I swallow hard. “You said you drew your conclusion because I freeze when I’m threatened. Because I was…conditioned not to fight back.” My gut twists. “Part of me was conditioned to like it. Some of what he did to me felt good physically.”
Agonized lines draw deep around Dane’s stunning eyes, but he doesn’t say anything in response.
My horrific revelations issue from my numb lips like someone else is speaking. “I orgasm when I’m violated. It feels good because my brain was wired this way from the beginning. Men look at me, and they know I’m prey. I was designed to be raped. And I like it.”
If my stomach weren’t empty, I’d vomit again.
“No,” Dane snarls. “Never say that about yourself.”
His perfect face blurs as my eyes fill with tears. “But it’s true. I get off on being overpowered and violated. I let it happen. I always let it happen.”
“None of this is your fault,” he insists.
A sense of powerlessness hollows out my chest. Everything I’ve built with Dane, all of the dark desires I’ve learned to accept, are rooted in something disgusting. In this moment, I’m robbed of all agency. There’s nothing empowering about embracing my sexual nature with my master. Because it’s never been my choice. I’m like this because of what a sick man did to me when I was a child.
My soul shreds, and an animal wail fills the bedroom. Dane’s arms wrap around me as though he can hold the remnants of me together.
But even my dark god doesn’t have the power to fix me. I’ve been broken for my whole life. Now I finally understand why.
16
ABIGAIL
My eyelids are sandpaper, and my tear ducts are dry from crying all night. Dane held me through it, stoic and silent. I know he must be wrestling with his own reaction to the revelations about Uncle Jeffrey, but he’s bottling up whatever he’s feeling for my sake.
I was surprised and almost disappointed when he allowed me to leave the house without him. I’m desperate to keep my husband close, but I can’t lean on him all the time. And he deserves some space to sort through his feelings too.