Total pages in book: 110
Estimated words: 107306 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 537(@200wpm)___ 429(@250wpm)___ 358(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 107306 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 537(@200wpm)___ 429(@250wpm)___ 358(@300wpm)
He frowns. “It’s not something you can just figure out. It’s not the same for everyone, and I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer this.”
I shrug because he’s whom I want to answer it. “I trust you. I can feel how much you love Ollie when the three of us are together. I just can’t tell if that’s what I feel myself.”
“Okay. Let’s see.” He unclicks his seat belt and turns toward me. “I don’t think you can rush it or force yourself to feel it or even realize you feel it. Like with Ollie—and I told Shai this already; in a fucking car too, for that matter—I knew Ollie was different from the beginning, just didn’t get why.”
“How did you make yourself get it, though?”
“I didn’t. It just happened. You can feel it before you acknowledge it, I think. And when you’re ready, when it builds up, so powerful that you can’t deny it anymore, then you just know.”
“I just know? You fucking suck at this,” I tease, and Cillian laughs.
“I told you I wouldn’t be good at it.”
But he is because what he said makes me feel better, like maybe I’m not quite as broken as I thought. “I just worry I’m not like everyone else. That I don’t feel shit the same way. I know I love you, Ollie, Tiernan, and Ash. I think I love Dean because he makes Tiernan happy. But that’s not the same as loving someone you fuck, someone who’s your boyfriend. What if I’m unable to do that?”
Cillian shakes his head. “You’re better at love than you think. For what it’s worth, I think you do love him, and you’re good to him, and when the moment is right, you’ll realize it.”
I groan. “I fucking hate waiting.”
Cillian laughs. “You’re an impatient fuck.”
He’s not wrong. “I want to love him.”
“Pretty sure you do.”
He puts the car in Drive, and a minute later, parks in front of the house. When we walk in, Ollie and Shai look up from where they’re sitting on the floor. Ollie has Shai’s guitar in his lap, and he grins.
“He’s teaching me to play,” Ollie says.
“Trying,” Shai corrects.
“Hey! I’m good!” Ollie counters.
“We’re working on it,” Shai adds.
Cillian walks over, kneels, and says, “You’re good at everything, Kitten.”
“Fucking gag,” I tease. I actually love how sweet and soft Cillian is with Ollie, but that’s just not me. Does Shai want me to be that way with him?
“You’re good at everything too, pet,” I say, testing the words.
“Um…you don’t have to say that to me. It’s weird.”
“Thank fuck.” I breathe out a sigh of relief, and everyone laughs.
“You guys can finish.” Cillian stands. “Wanna smoke?”
“God yes. Please yes. My class was the worst thing that ever happened to me.”
“The worst thing?” Ollie pushes his glasses up his nose.
“Yes. It was torture.”
“You’re ridiculous,” Ollie says.
“I’d go to school if I could…like if I could afford it.” Shai reaches over and plucks the strings of the guitar on Ollie’s lap. “I didn’t realize it until recently.”
I…didn’t think about that. He hasn’t been given half the opportunities I have. “If you want to go to school, go to school.”
“Would I pull the money out of my ass?”
I grab the bong from the coffee table, then open the box of weed. “I have money.”
“Which is yours.”
“That’s what I tell Cillian,” Ollie says. “It doesn’t work with them.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not taking money to go to Ashford. It’s too expensive. And even if I had the money, I couldn’t get in.”
“We could fix that too,” Cillian says. “There’s not much we can’t do.”
“Nah, but thanks.” Something in his voice tells me he’d like it, though. “I didn’t even graduate high school. My mom…she didn’t make me go, and I didn’t think it was important.”
“We should study together so you can get your GED!” Ollie bounces like I often do. “If you want, I mean. No pressure, but if that’s something you want.”
“Wait,” I say. “He gets no pressure? Is that because I get all the pressure?”
“This isn’t about you,” Ollie tells me.
“Everything should be about me,” I joke, but look at Shai. “You should do it. He’s smart. He makes shit make sense.”
Shai nods, looking unsure, but then says, “Yeah, that’d be cool.”
“Perfect!” Ollie beams.
“What would you study?” Cillian asks. “In college?”
“Music,” Shai and I say at the same time.
Cillian finishes packing a bowl, then hands me the bong. I take a hit, holding the delicious smoke in my lungs. God, I love weed.
“Ror says you play piano too?” Cillian takes the bong from me.
“Yeah. Guitar is my first love, but the piano is something special as well.” Shai looks over at Cillian’s longingly. I warned him not to touch it. Cillian is very protective of his piano. “I’m not as good. Everything I know is self-taught.”