Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 80982 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 405(@200wpm)___ 324(@250wpm)___ 270(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80982 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 405(@200wpm)___ 324(@250wpm)___ 270(@300wpm)
But I was.
I didn’t even understand why this hurt so bad. Walker hadn’t died. He hadn’t cheated, and technically, he hadn’t even truly ended things with me. But something happened on that porch, something final. I felt it in my bones.
When I finally got out, I dried off, put on my pajamas, and with my hair still wet, I crawled into bed. I drifted in and out but sleep never really came. At some point, the sun came up, but I didn’t move. I remained curled up in bed, staring at nothing while trying to ignore the fact that life was going on outside the walls of my room.
I heard the front door open and Thomas calling out my name, but I didn’t answer. I just lay there, listening as the boys’ footsteps came closer to my door. It creaked open and was followed by Thomas asking, “Mom?”
“Yeah, sweetie.”
I didn’t move, so I wasn’t surprised when he asked, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I lied. “I’m just not feeling well.”
“Anything I can do?”
“It’s the stomach bug… I just need to sleep it off, okay?”
His voice was riddled with concern as he asked, “Like throwing up?”
“Not yet.” I pulled the blanket higher. “Just don’t feel good.”
“What about a Sprite?”
“Maybe later.”
He lingered for a moment, then said, “Okay. Just call me if you need anything.”
“Okay. Thanks, sweetie.”
“Love ya.”
Tears burned my eyes as I muttered, “I love you, too. So, so much.”
Once the door clicked shut, I rolled over and grabbed my phone. The brightness made me wince as I searched for my last text to Liv. Once I found it, I sent her a message, telling her that I wouldn’t be at school tomorrow and more than likely not Tuesday either. Before she could ask, I told her I had the stomach bug and asked her to please let our principal know.
I tossed the phone down to the foot of the bed and pulled the comforter back over my head. I knew I was being a bit dramatic. I didn’t react this way when Dan and I split. I was angry, disappointed, and, yes, heartbroken.
But it was just the slow unraveling of something already broken.
Our marriage had died long before he crawled into bed with CeeCee.
It still hurt. It hurt for months, but it never left me feeling like I might have lost out on the chance at something really amazing. Now I feel as if I might have lost out on the love of my life, and that was something I wasn’t sure I could recover from.
27
DRIFTER
“Hey, it’s me.” My voice sounded so low and hollow that I don’t even recognize it. “I’m sorry it took me so long to come around. I didn’t plan on being gone so long.”
I looked around and sighed. It looked smaller than I remembered, or maybe it was just me. The grass was damp from the rain that had finally subsided, but the clouds were still looming above, dark and heavy.
“I just had to get away for a while… Being here was suffocating me. Everywhere I turned, there was a reminder of you, of him, and how I let you down…. How I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. I just couldn’t take it.”
The truth was, I hadn’t just been gone for a while. I’d run.
I had run from the house, the memories, the broken promises, but most of all, I’d run from myself and the guilt I carried for not being there. “I know that sounds awful. I’m sure you think I just abandoned you two, but it wasn’t like that… I didn’t know how to stay. I didn’t know how to breathe here anymore.”
I stared down at their names and the flowers that didn’t look to be more than a few days old. I wasn’t sure who’d put them there. Maybe it was her folks or one of the brothers. It didn’t matter.
They were there, and I knew Em would love them.
I, on the other hand, wasn’t a fan.
They reminded me of their funeral, which led me to say, “We all three died that day on the bank. But you two were the only ones who stopped breathing. I wanted it to be me. I’m so sorry it wasn’t. I failed you, and I failed him, and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.”
I glanced around, making sure no one was around to hear. But it was just me and fucking birds chirping overhead. “I’m tired, Em. I’m so damn tired.”
It had been years since I lost them. Years of feeling guilty and unworthy. Years of whiskey and bad decisions and roads that didn’t lead anywhere. And always waking up angry and bitter that I hadn’t died right along with them.
But it didn’t change anything.
It didn’t bring them back.