Total pages in book: 168
Estimated words: 159420 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 797(@200wpm)___ 638(@250wpm)___ 531(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 159420 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 797(@200wpm)___ 638(@250wpm)___ 531(@300wpm)
“Is she…” My voice is small and foreign, like that of someone who’s terrified for their life. Even though it’s not my life I’m scared for, it’s hers. His sister’s.
He focuses on me then, his eyes glassy. “She’s alive. She’s just…”
“What?” I whisper.
His chest moves with a breath again and he widens his stance. “She lost her eyes in the accident. She… she can’t see. Not anymore. The doctors, they tried, but…” He shakes his head, his Adam’s apple jerking up and down. “They couldn’t do nothin’. She won’t be able to see ever again, my Lynnie.”
Like last night, I only realize I’m crying when I open my mouth to take in a broken breath. My tears are thick and silent, drenching my cheeks, dripping down my chin and throat. My tears are useless, but they’re all I have right now.
He watches them flow as he tells me, “She won’t be able to see her roses grow again. Won’t be able to paint or sketch, look at colors, notice all the things only she can. And she was okay with that. She was fine. Told me she’d find a way. A way to rebuild, somehow be able to still see again, in some way.”
He clenches his jaw before continuing in an intense voice, “I wasn’t, though; wasn’t happy about that. That she’d found a way to make peace with everythin’. I fuckin’ hated her for it. I hated her for bein’ okay with everythin’. I was angry at her. I was angry at everyone, every fuckin’ person that said things would be okay. Doctors, nurses, fuckin’ speech therapists. I was angry at Hank Turner. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to burn him and his ranch, his fuckin’ family to the ground, take everythin’ from him. He did it for the land, didn’t he. I wanted to burn his land to the ground. Most of all, though, I was angry at myself, for not being able to save ’em. Not being able to save my little sister. I was fifteen; I was almost a man. I should’ve been able to do it. I should’ve been… My parents lost their lives. Lynnie lost her eyes, and I was still alive. I was an ugly motherfucker who couldn’t talk but I was alive, wasn’t I? I could see. I could feel. I could breathe. They couldn’t.
“Lynnie tried. She tried to make me… feel better. Said we should focus on what we had and not what we lost. We still had each other, but Jesus, every time she said that it only made me realize what we didn’t have. We didn’t have our ma, our daddy. She didn’t have her eyes. Every time I looked at her, it was a reminder I’d failed. Every time I saw her struggle to reach for things, try to teach herself how to see again, I’d be so fuckin’ angry. You’re right when you said I was angry. I am angry. I’m angry at everythin’. I’m angry all the time, and…
“Anyhow, I wanted her to go away. Every day, I’d hope and pray and fuckin’ wish she’d just disappear. Didn’t want her pretendin’ everythin’ was okay, that she trusted me still to take care of her. Didn’t want to see her suffer. Never said a word about it, though; couldn’t even if I wanted to, but she knew. She always knew. So she said she’d leave. She’d go away, and Christ…”
His clenches his hands at his sides. When that doesn’t help, he uncurls them and clenches them again. When even that isn’t enough, he rakes his fingers through his hair and pulls at the strands before finally continuing, “I said yes. I agreed. She said she had a place in mind, said Mars helped her set it all up. A school up in the mountains. They had a program for the blind. She dressed it up as her being given the opportunity to learn, to live again. But I knew. She did it for me, to give me space. In return, she asked me to make a promise. Asked me to not go after Hank Turner; made me vow to never ever go after the man who took everythin’ from us. And that pissed me off so much that…”
He shakes his head again, and I know it means he hasn’t seen her since.
“Every time I thought about goin’ to see her or bring her home, I’d get so mad that she moved on so quickly. That she could just… forget what happened. I’d get so mad that she’d tied my hands, roped ’em with her bullshit promise, that I… I left her there. Left her to her new life.”
Before I can absorb the fact that he hasn’t seen his sister for more than sixteen years, his focus comes back to me again, and the look in his green eyes is one I’ve never seen before. His green eyes seem haunted as he says, “Only a monster could do somethin’ like that. Leave his own flesh and blood when they need him the most. Be so fuckin’ angry and violent that he can’t even stand to look at the only family he’s got left. Only a monster would abandon his little sister.”