Total pages in book: 168
Estimated words: 159420 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 797(@200wpm)___ 638(@250wpm)___ 531(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 159420 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 797(@200wpm)___ 638(@250wpm)___ 531(@300wpm)
He pauses here to look into my eyes, his own so open and molten, bleeding with emotion, that it’s hard to keep our connection. I do it, though. Because there’s no way I can look away from him, not now when he’s pouring his heart out.
“But I thought that was it,” he begins again, swallowing thickly. “What I did to you, all the things I did to you, I thought that was the worst of it; the worst of my crimes. But I didn’t realize the hold my past had on me. Shoulda gotten a clue when I saw how the world was usin’ it against me; how easy I made it for ’em to use my anger for their own gain. I even put my sister in danger because of it, put you in danger. But again, you were right when you said men are fuckin’ idiots. So it didn’t occur to me, not until I walked away from you that night and came back to an empty barn. Not until I saw your face on the screen, your eyes lookin’ right in the camera, right at me, tellin’ me that you’re the bravest person I know. It didn’t occur to me what a fuckin’ dumb motherfucker I’ve been, a coward hidin’ behind the past, until they took you and I spent the next forty-eight hours lookin’ for you. I spent the next forty-eight hours livin’ and relivin’ every single moment with you ’cause that’s all I had. ’Cause I didn’t have you, didn’t have you to look at, to hold, to breathe in. Didn’t know where you were, if you were okay, if you were…”
His chest moves violently, wildly. Even his knees buckle, causing mine to do the same. Making it so very, very hard to stay in my spot. Shifting on his feet again, he goes on, his voice low and rough, shaky in places, “Never really thought what my parents would’ve wanted for me, not until you said they’d want me to live, not just survive. But I also think they’d want me to learn. From the past, from my mistakes. From the fact that I can’t change the beginning, but I’ve got the power to change the end. So this is me, tryna do that. This is me changin’ the end. This is me comin’ back to the barn after I left you, racin’ back on Tulip, to tell you that you’re that girl. The girl I’ve been searchin’ for my whole fuckin’ life. You’ve been that girl since the moment I saw you through your window, braidin’ your hair at night. Lookin’ so pretty my heart broke in my chest, took its first beat in over a decade and a half, and now you’re the one it beats for. You’re the girl I’ve been dreamin’ about, long before my dreams died in a car accident. You’re the reason why nothin’ felt right, not ever. No other girl, no other connection. Everything felt empty and meaningless. Life felt lonely, even before. I was always an outsider, different from everyone else. Too serious, too intense, too quiet. Things that I wanted felt too rough, too wrong, too impossible. But then I met you and things started to make sense. Even through my bullshit. With you, I’m at peace. Words don’t hurt anymore. No noise or nightmare can touch me. No dream, no desire feels wrong or rough. With you I’m safe, Peyton. These past few weeks with you have been the best of my life. Wakin’ up with you in the mornin’, goin’ to sleep with you in my arms. Takin’ you on rides, talkin’ to you, playin’ with you. Feedin’ you, lovin’ on you. I didn’t even realize I was livin’ my own dream, livin’ the life I always wanted for myself, before life became somethin’ else.
“So this is me tellin’ you I love you too. I’ve been in love with you since the first moment I saw you, and if my head hadn’t been fucked up like it was, I would’ve told you that. Instead of leavin’ that night and breakin’ your heart. I thought I was protectin’ you from a life with me, with a monster; protectin’ you from the world’s judgment and condescension. But the truth is I was also protectin’ myself. I’ve lost a lot in my life, see, and I was afraid that if you figured out I wasn’t the man you thought I was, or if livin’ with me became too difficult, you’d leave; and I knew I wouldn’t survive that. Somehow I survived the car crash that destroyed my family, but I wouldn’t survive you leavin’ me. You runnin’ away from me is my biggest nightmare, and I was a fuckin’ coward for hidin’ behind it. Because life ain’t about just survivin’, is it? It’s about livin’, so this is me askin’ you to release me from my promise because I can’t live without you, darlin’. I can’t let you go and I’m here to steal you away for the last time. I’m here to steal you away right. Not for the land or revenge or for someone else. I’m here to steal you for myself. Like I should’ve done from the beginnin’. To keep you with me. Forever.”